One man's story about dealing with depression after the suicide of his partner
THE PROBLEM
My name is Tony and it is the 23rd December 2009 as I head southwards from Dover ferry terminal towards the coast of France. I can see the white cliffs of Dover gradually disappearing into the distance as I stand on the top viewing level of the ferry looking out to sea.
Then it happens, I suddenly get this thought that I should climb onto the rail that is waist high and jump into the sea by the propellers to kill myself instantly. The rational side of my brain then kicks in and says don’t be stupid you don’t want to die, you have been through one of the hardest of life’s experiences and come out the other side. Then the thought hits me again and this time it feels stronger and it is more difficult to push this thought out of my head. I start feeling anxious because the rational side of my brain says to me you are not going to be able to stop yourself jumping in as these thoughts are going to get stronger and take over your brain. So, whilst I still have a semblance of control I leave the deck to go inside and find a corner, crank up the iPod to full power, close my eyes and manage to survive the journey.
This, for me, signalled the start of my deep depression and if I turn the clocks back to May 2008 this might explain the background to how my brain had reached this state.
DIANE & ME
Diane had been my girlfriend since May 1989 when we met on a Solo’s holiday in the Gambia and the years together had been the happiest years of both our lives and it seemed that we were fated to meet and spend the rest of our lives together.
The fate thing started on holiday, as we only really became an item on the last day of the holiday and if we had flown back the next day as planned we would have probably drifted apart.
However, the flight was delayed 48 hours due to a technical fault and the travel company needed to put us into a hotel and asked for people to share a room. We were sitting next to each other on the coach and as we looked at each other it was obvious what we were both thinking and we shared a room for the 48 hours. During this time we got to know each other really well, and not in a sexual sense but in an emotional way and sealed the bond that lasted throughout our lives together.
The other day I found a poem I had written early in our relationship and Diane had obviously kept it as a reminder:
Amid champagne cruises on the Gambia River
And Caribbean beaches that make your heart quiver
Then back to picturesque flowers of every hue
And decorated rooms of brown, pink and blue
The common denominator Diane is you
And my love for you will never wither
So back to May 2008, and Diane was suffering with a form of leukaemia or bone marrow cancer known as multiple myeloma which had been discovered at a routine blood test in March 2007. She also suffered with a scoliosis of the spine, which was gradually becoming more painful.
Her consultant had been monitoring the multiple myeloma and it had now reached the stage when it needed to be treated otherwise it could start causing organ or skeletal damage, and that meant a course of chemotherapy.
We had discussed me taking early retirement and agreed that it would be a good idea if Diane also started drawing her deferred Sun Alliance pension. So, at the age 51 I left work so that I would be there for Diane to help her through the treatment and effectively be her “rock”.
In May 2008 Diane started taking a cocktail of cancer treatment drugs, which included chemotherapy, thalidomide and steroid tablets. Diane noticed that the steroids gave her more energy and I said that now you can see why athletes can run so fast. There were so many tablets to take that I had to construct a weekly schedule split into morning, midday and evening with the number and type of tablets at each time slot, which Diane would tick to make sure she was taking the right tablets at the right times.
MEDICAL TREATMENT & DEPRESSION
I won’t go through the specific details of the treatment, but suffice to say that Diane continued with this treatment and had times of sickness but generally seemed to be coping quite well.
Then in July Diane started feeling down and this was due to her scoliosis becoming more painful and she had an epidural, but it did not seem to work. I tried to encourage her by saying that it will take a few weeks to work, but Diane was taking a very negative view of things.
That brings me to the 16th July, which seemed like any other day and Diane had seen Doctor Deborah the day before that normally cheered her up. But it was not a normal day and Diane was being very sick with a bowl by her bed and I stayed upstairs on the computer to listen out and bring glasses of water and mop her brow.
By midday Diane was still being sick and I asked whether I should contact her consultant, as it might be a reaction to her cancer medication but she was adamant that I should not contact him.
Then I started thinking the unthinkable, had Diane taken an overdose and tried to kill herself. I checked the cancer medication and it was all in tact but she could have taken other drugs, which I did not keep a record of. If she had wanted to kill herself what do I do? If she wants to kill herself because life is so unbearable should I let her, then again would I be locked up for helping in an assisted suicide? Or should I call an ambulance only to find it’s something innocuous. These thoughts were running through my head for about 20 minutes when Diane called me. She said she was very sorry but had tried to kill herself by taking her complete supply of paracetamol and sleeping pills. So, I phoned 999 and Diane was rushed to hospital and they saved her life.
I remember phoning the wife of Diane’s brother from the hospital when it happened and started crying down the phone and I cannot remember the last time I cried, not even when my dad died in 2000.
Next day I also phoned Ruth as I was meant to be going up to Scotland to see my work colleagues and she was really supportive.
Diane was discharged from hospital on 22nd July and the report states she had taken 32 paracetamol tablets, 40 co-codamol tablets and 40 zolpidem tablets. Diane said that she would never do it again.
RUTH
My friend and now best friend Ruth has been absolutely wonderful for me, as you will see as the story unfolds. But who is Ruth?
I worked for a financial services company in the Compliance department and my expertise was pensions and Ruth’s was everything else. Also, I was based in Reading and Ruth in Stirling, Scotland. We were both managers in the same team and always got along really well and helped each out when we could.
We worked together for over 10 years and in my trips to Scotland I always received a warm welcome from Ruth with her beautiful lilting Scottish accent as she said hello and greeted my like a long lost friend. The warmth that Ruth showed I could feel and Ruth is the nicest and friendliest person I have ever met, and I have met loads of people in my life.
Although Ruth is about 15 years younger than me I always felt we had this special rapport and we were on the same wavelength in so many ways. Also, Ruth understood what I was really like instead of this calm, unflappable persona that I projected to everyone else.
Ruth has been and still is ‘my rock’ who I always turn to when times get bad and who always knows what to say to make me feel better. I do not know how I would have coped without Ruth.
DEALING WITH DEPRESSION
Following discharge from hospital, Diane’s cancer consultant said it was important that she receives psychiatric help, ideally through the NHS, so we pursued this via Diane’s doctor. However, according to the Wokingham Mental Health team Diane did not qualify for support from their team because her condition was not serious enough and they had a points system and Diane did not have enough points. I then suggested to Diane that we go private, as it was important she received this support and although she baulked at paying out for the consultations she eventually agreed.
So, the cancer treatment continued as before and Diane attended these private psychiatric consultations and was now taking anti-depressants. This cycle continued until the 12th October during which time Diane’s depression seemed about the same as before the overdose. Also, at this time I was keeping the medication locked away as an added precaution and on the recommendation from Diane’s doctor.
I remember one conversation when Diane became anxious that I would turn her out of the house and I assured her that it was our home and I would never do this. To which she responded that she did not love me any more and so we could not continue living together. This was a real bombshell and I had to think fast to reassure her. So I said whether or not Diane loved me I would always love her and if it meant our relationship became more plutonic I would still enjoy the relationship and sharing life’s experiences as best friends with her.
I was quite happy doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, giving Diane her tablets and doing things around the house because Diane could not cope with the most simple tasks because of the depression, but the thought of Diane not loving me anymore was tough to take.
This did bother me and in my regular texts with Ruth I told her, as I did everything that was happening in my life, and Ruth said it was just the depression talking and don’t worry Diane still loves you. I felt a lot better after Ruth’s comforting words.
On other occasions Diane begged me to let her have her tablets so she could take an overdose, and again this was very difficult as I hated to see Diane suffering but explained I could not and the anti-depressants should start to work and she would start feeling better. Also, if I let her have the key it would be an assisted suicide and I could go to jail.
Anyway back to the 12th October…………………..
THE DARTS EVENING
Today was much like any other day and Diane was now on Velcade chemotherapy injections twice a week that were administered at hospital, because the tablets were not reducing the cancer as quickly as the consultant was expecting.
This day Diane had her Velcade injections at hospital as normal, we had lunch and Diane seemed to be having a good day. That evening I attended a darts evening to raise funds on behalf of an ex-manager and good friend who had died earlier in the year with the funds going to help finding a cure to the rare condition which caused his death. Diane said she would be ok and by this time I was keeping the medication locked away and hiding the key as an added precaution in case Diane felt like taking another overdose.
However, I got home about 11pm and fortunately had not been drinking because I was driving and found Diane unconscious on the floor with half a bottle of gin on the bedside table and tablets strewn over the bedroom floor. I sat Diane against the side of the bed and she was mumbling something incoherent so I lifted her onto the bed and this time it was obvious what had happened and I called 999. They asked me to locate all the empty packets and it transpired she had taken 30 diazepam and 30 zolpidem tablets washed down with half a bottle of gin.
It was a Friday night and Diane was admitted to A&E and discharged the following morning but it all seemed a bit chaotic. When Diane got home she slept solidly for about 13 hours and woke with severe pains in her back and side and asked me to phone Reddoc as it was a Sunday morning. The Doctor was very concerned about Diane’s oxygen levels and phoned CDU at the hospital to free up a bed.
I drove Diane to the hospital and she hardly had the energy to get to the ward and needed a wheelchair. Once in CDU they determined that Diane had pneumonia and needed 4 bags of blood to get her oxygen levels up to a reasonable level and was then transferred to the cancer ward to recover.
Diane was in a ward with 3 other ladies, and she struck up a friendship with them, but I think a turning point was when her consultant visited her and had a frank and honest discussion with her. It started out with Diane saying she cannot kill herself with tablets and how long would it take for the cancer to kill her if she stopped all treatment. His response was 6 months and he would do everything to minimise the pain, but he stressed that she was in control of what treatment she had although it might not feel like that sometimes. She then talked about her back and that when the scoliosis deteriorates she was told that part of her spine would need to be fused and there is a risk of being wheelchair bound. Again he said if you do not want that treatment you do not have to go ahead with it.
I think after this chat her mood lifted and I think she felt more in control of her destiny and decided she would go ahead with the cancer treatment followed by the stem cell transplant, and began looking forward to a life together again. She felt that the depression had suddenly lifted and all indications were that this was true.
Diane was discharged a couple of days later and this time the Wokingham Mental Health Team were all over her like a rash with home visits every couple of days and it made me wonder if someone had received a slapped wrist for not giving her access to their team previously.
Also, Diane saw her Doctor the next day and she felt embarrassed about going as she had been lovely and Diane felt she was letting her Doctor down by trying to take her own life. I reassured Diane that there would be no recrimination and the Doctor would be there to help.
When we started talking with the Doctor about the circumstances of the overdose insofar as Diane had worked out where the key was, she new I would be out till late that night, she finished making some bedroom curtains that evening, the hospital nurses saw no change in her mood when administering the Velcade injections and neither did I. The Doctor then gave the bombshell that it would happen again as this was not a sudden reaction but a planned operation and whilst depressed Diane’s mood may not change or may even be better than normal because she new that her misery was soon to end.
Diane disagreed and said that was all behind her but I had this nagging thought in my head that Diane was going to kill herself sometime, maybe not this week, this month or this year, but it is going to happen sometime and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening.
RECOVERY FROM DEPRESSION
It was great having my old Diane back, and although the cancer treatment continued we were now back to enjoying each other’s company and enjoying daily life experiences together. We went for walks around the lakes every day that were only a 10-minute walk away and life seemed back to normal. I also joined a tennis club and played at least 2 days a week on Monday and Wednesday mornings. Diane encouraged me to do this, as she was keen for me to get out and see other people and have some ‘me time’. We also visited Beesley Wigs and Diane was fitted for two wigs in preparation for the time when her hair started falling out and they were a virtual perfect match for her own hair without the need for all the conditioners and time spent with the straighteners. We now understood why celebrities’ hair always looked perfect, as they must be wearing a wig.
Diane was discharged from the care of the Wokingham Mental Health Team on 27th November and as I was now recognised as a carer for someone with depression I qualified for free counselling sessions, so I thought why not it can’t do any harm.
I had never had counselling before so did not know what to expect but went with an open mind. I happily talked about the recent past and myself. I thought she might be interested in the fact I was adopted so told her about this. However, it was getting more and more difficult to think of things to say and I knew Diane was not keen on me going as she felt responsible for me needing counselling, so I stopped. The counsellor tried to make me feel guilty as one thing that had come out is that I do things to please others and never want to let people down. For example, I felt I owed something to my adopted parents for adopting me and that was a big driver in sticking with obtaining my professional qualifications so that they would be proud. So, the counsellor said I was letting her down by stopping now, in the hope I would feel obligated to continue, but I didn’t.
Diane’s good frame of mind continued and the chemotherapy was working so that Diane could have the stem cell transplant, meanwhile her dad was ill in hospital and his health deteriorated to such an extent that he died in January, although this did not seem to impact on her mood.
I will now fast forward to March 2009 as preparations for the stem cell transplant begin and Diane’s mood still seemed to be positive.
HOSPITAL
On the 10th March Diane had a biopsy on her bone marrow to confirm that the levels of cancer were low enough to start the treatment. However, the consultant at the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford who would be responsible for the treatment was concerned about Diane’s history of asthma, and this was checked out. He concluded that the risk was low enough to continue the treatment.
The high dose chemotherapy was administered and I also gave Diane injections in her stomach every day for a week to help bring the stem cells out into the blood stream as Diane could not face injecting herself.
We then went to the blood donor centre at the John Radcliffe Hospital and the stem cells were extracted in a day with no problems. Some people needed three days on the machine but not Diane, so that was a good start.
About a week later Diane’s hair started to fall out and Diane was admitted to Hospital on the 14th April. I won’t go into the details of the next four weeks but I was at the hospital every day from 9am – 6.30pm and was like an auxiliary nurse seeing to all Diane’s needs and Diane said after being discharged that she did not know how she would have coped without me there.
Suffice to say that whilst in hospital her health went from going for walks in the grounds to not having the strength raise her arms to wash. Intensive care was involved when her oxygen levels were dangerously low due to her history of asthma. The medical conditions during her stay also included many asthma attacks, disorientation, low blood pressure, high water retention, low oxygen levels, morphine reaction, very high temperatures, water on the lung, high weight gain and various reactions to her immune system being reduced to zero. I think she had about 15 bags of blood during her stay.
Anyway, we came through it together and Diane was really pleased to get home on the 11th May and have the various tubes for administering the chemo removed on 22nd May.
CRUISE
Diane was feeling well enough for a holiday after being discharged from hospital and her consultant said it would be ok as long as it did not involve flying. We had been on cruises before with Dave and Juli from Minnesota and they were doing a France, Ireland and Norway cruise leaving from Harwich next month, so we booked it.
However, a couple of weeks before the cruise left on 22nd June Diane started getting some of her depression symptoms returning and began panicking about coping with the cruise. I reassured her that we would not book any trips and if she did not want to leave the ship we would not and our only commitment was to meet Dave and Juli for an evening meal and they would understand if she was not up to that. Then it came to packing and Diane said she could not focus on her packing so I did her packing and the jobs Diane would normally do prior to a holiday.
I thought the cruise went reasonably well and we enjoyed the time together wandering around the various ports of call at our leisure and we got back on the 4th July. However, it was noticeable that during the cruise Diane found it difficult to motivate herself to get up in the mornings.
POST CRUISE OVERDOSE
Diane’s depression seemed worse when we got back from the cruise and on the evening of 7th July Diane took an overdose of 50 Zolpidem sleeping tablets and told me at 8.30am the next day what she had done. Diane said as it had not worked there was no need to do anything but I disagreed and said she needed to have tests to make sure she had not harmed herself.
Firstly, I phoned the Wokingham Mental Health Team explaining the attempted suicide and was told that as it was over 6 months’ since Diane was last seen by anyone from their team they would not deal with her and I would have to contact her GP. So, I phoned the Doctors reception and her Doctor was not there so I left a message and about 15 minutes later the receptionist phoned and said she had spoken to the Doctor and Diane must be taken to A&E.
So, off we went and all the tests were ok and Diane was interviewed by the Hospital Mental Health representative and referred to the Wokingham Mental Health Crisis Team. Diane was discharged the same day and had lots of visits from Wokingham and we saw their psychiatrist whose primary function seemed to be the determination of which anti-depressants to prescribe.
During the rest of the month Diane’s mood went up and down and some days she was able to do simple chores like cutting the grass, ironing or coming to Asda with me to do the food shopping. We also had a day at Diane’s mum who had no idea Diane was wearing a wig which reassured Diane.
The Wokingham Mental Health psychiatrist discharged Diane from his care on the 23rd July, which we both thought was a bit soon and I know Diane felt a bit isolated and was expecting more support.
Diane continued to have better days than bad ones and after chatting with her sister decided to spend a week with her mum in Bognor Regis at the beginning of August. I also contacted the Princess Trust for Carers as they provide support for carers and I thought they might be able to give me some tips. I met them on 31st July and coincidentally on that day Diane had a bad day and began worrying about her visit to her mum’s. I do not know if Diane felt responsible for me going for support at the Carers but it was reassuring for me as it confirmed I had been doing the right things.
I took Diane to Bognor Regis on the Sunday but collected her on Wednesday, as Diane needed to cut the visit short. The depression symptoms were getting bad and she was worried about her mum finding out about the wig and having to explain to her mum that she had cancer. I think that when you have depression you need to be in your own home and being away made the anxiety too much to bear. Diane was pleased to be home but had what she called a ‘not with it feeling’ and the depression was getting bad again. Then on the 18th August we saw the cancer consultant who said that the stem cell transplant had been a success and that she would have five years free of any symptoms. He did express concern that she had been discharged by the Wokingham Mental Health Team as clearly her mood was not what it should be and was going to investigate. I would have expected Diane to be overjoyed with this news, but this did not seem to have any effect on her mood.
D-DAY (DISASTER-DAY)
Wednesday 19th August seemed like any other Wednesday, as I got up early to be at the morning club tennis session for 9am and as I was leaving Diane was just getting out of bed, which was normal. It was Morphine patch day for her leg pain and I said I would put it on when I got back.
About midday I got home and dropped my tennis bag in the lounge and the house was unusually quiet so I called upstairs but no reply. Then I walked upstairs and there was Diane hanging from the loft ladder by her dressing gown cord with a white dressing chair off to one side. My initial reaction was ‘oh no’ and I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then practicality kicked in and I phoned 999.
They said to go down and leave the front door open for a paramedic to come in. Then whilst holding the cordless phone to my ear they said cut above the knot and lay her flat on the ground, which I did and noticed there was no movement and here legs were looking a blotchy red. They then said administer CPR and counted 15 with me as I pressed against the chest then the 3 breaths to her mouth and this continued until the paramedic shouted up the stairs and I said ‘up here’. He arrived at the top of the stairs and said I could stop CPR and that I had lost her. This confirmed what I thought when giving the CPR and I asked him whether she would have suffered and he said she would have been dead in under 10 seconds, so that was a relief that she did not suffer long.
He then asked me to go downstairs and sit down, as the Police would be arriving soon to ask me some questions. They arrived and because there was no suicide note they would have to treat the house as a crime scene and their forensic team would need to go through the house thoroughly. They asked if there was anywhere I could go and I said I would be happy to sit in my car. They then said my next-door neighbour was asking what was happening and would I be happy to go there, and that was fine with me. So I went next door and broke down a bit when telling Yvonne what had happened and drank some cups of coffee until the three hours had passed which is what it took for all their checks and to take away Diane’s body. The police asked me to sign a statement and said that there would be an inquest due to death being by suicide and the Coroner would be in touch with me.
FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS
Next was the job of letting everyone know and in no particular order I told Diane’s family in Bognor Regis and my family. Diane’s brother’s wife asked me to come down to help explain it to Diane’s mum who was then in her late-80’s, so I drove to Bognor.
That all went ok and Diane’s mum seemed to take it in her stride, and I drove home in the evening even though my sister had phoned Bognor to say I should not drive back in view of what happened, but I was adamant that I would drive home. I asked Diane’s family to sort out the funeral arrangements and I would come back to meet whoever needed to be met. This happened to be the undertaker and Priest and it all seemed to run smoothly. My main contribution was the selection of the song ‘unforgettable’ by Natalie Cole for the end of the funeral and a picture of the garden for the cover of the service booklet.
Diane had previously discussed with her sister details of flowers etc she would like at her funeral so I was happy to go along with this. When Diane had previously tried to take her life she had compiled a list of friends to contact and I contacted them once and those who wanted to go to the funeral again when the details were known. I left Diane’s family to let their family know and my mum to contact my family.
The funeral came and went and it was nice to see people from my cricket club and a couple of friends from work there to show support. The reception went reasonably smoothly and I remember it was a nice feeling being hugged by my neighbours, Diane’s family and my family. Even getting a couple of kisses was nice and unexpected.
THE MONTHS AFTER THE FUNERAL
The funeral over, it was then the job of sorting out the affairs and paperwork and that kept me busy for a couple of months and I was surprised of how well I seemed to be coping in view of the enormity of what happened. I had the leaflet from Cruse bereavement counselling about coping with grief and I seemed to be pretty much having the feelings described. Although I remember being surprised that it did not say anything about having suicidal thoughts.
In July I had an inguinal hernia diagnosed and the operation to correct it was performed in October. The operation went fine although the hallucinations afterwards were amazing and I have never experienced anything like this after an operation with anaesthetic and forced myself to stay awake, as they were also very disturbing. Fortunately, they only lasted 1 night and I have no idea what they gave me but it was obviously too strong for my brain to deal with. I had to stay in the hospital overnight as I could not be left alone at home following an anaesthetic, also I was not allowed to drive for 48 hours and a neighbour kindly picked me up from the hospital.
In September I was struck down with bronchitis and I guess my immune system was not operating at its normal level in view of the grief. Fortunately, the bronchitis cleared up in a couple of weeks with the help of antibiotics.
During September my friend Ruth checked up on me and we met for lunch when she was down in Reading on business on 1st October. Another friend from work whom I used to sit next to in the office was Judith and I had some good chats on the phone with Judith. I also met my friends from work who went to the funeral for drinks on the 27th August and 23rd October.
Things continued to tick along nicely during October and I was pretty much content with being around the house, sorting out paperwork and not doing much else. I was cooking for myself and having Waitrose home deliveries. I was still pleased with myself with the way I was coping with Diane’s death.
In November I had arranged to go up to Scotland to say goodbye to work colleagues and I remember it being nice to catch up with good friends even if there were not as many people interested in seeing me as I thought there would be.
However, a week before the trip I agreed to turn up to a darts match and pick up a couple of guys who were playing. The pick up was in a housing estate I was not familiar with and I was having problems finding the pick-up point. I drove down a cul-de-sac and could feel the anxiety increasing within me as I was getting late and the guys needed to be there for the start, and I do not normally feel like this. Then instead of putting the car in drive I put it in reverse and heard a smashing glass noise but instead of checking what I had hit I drove off. I then found the guys and said I had hit a bollard and taken out my indicator cluster. This got me thinking that the grief may be having more of an impact on me than I realised and did not go to any more darts matches.
DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS START EMERGING
When I drove back home from Heathrow after the Scotland visit, I remember having difficulty concentrating and things that normally came automatically I had to think about very carefully, it was a bit like when I was learning to drive with mirror, signal, manoeuvre. I was in the middle lane and was having to force myself to concentrate and focus on all the actions for driving and it was very scary. This made me very nervous and I got into the slow lane and made it home without incident, but it was really worrying and I spoke to Ruth about it when I got home.
This brings me to December and the Inquest on the 17th and I was really dreading how I would cope with it as I would be forced to re-live the events and go through the statements given to the Police, listen to social enquiry reports and the like. I had already supplied the Court with a personality profile for Diane and details of the medical treatment Diane had received including extracts from her mood log that the psychiatrist had asked her to keep.
I decided to get a train to Windsor and met up with Diane’s sister, brother and her brother’s wife. The inquest started by going through the Coroner’s report and the contents of Diane’s stomach and I remember him mentioning traces of paracetamol that Diane took the night before for her restless legs. He went through my detailed medical log with all the appointments and treatments, which the family later said helped them to understand what Diane had been going through, as they had no idea. Then the Mental Health Team gave their report focussing on Diane’s mental health history. I thought they had been deficient in their treatment of Diane and seemed to be covering their backs, but the Coroner was defensive on the matter. Next came the Police reports of the crime scene and what their forensic teams had found. All this led to the decision that death by suicide was the cause.
I found the whole experience severely depressing as it focussed on everything negative about Diane and nothing positive, at least at the funeral people can reflect on the good things in people’s lives but there is none of that at an Inquest. At least Diane’s family found it helpful to them in understanding what Diane was going through and why she decided to take her own life. For me, there was nothing new, just a character assassination of the person I loved and it was a very painful experience.
My friends from work; Ruth and Judith asked me to phone after the Inquest as they knew I was dreading it, so I spoke to them on the train journey home and it made me feel a bit better speaking to them about it.
Next day I met Judith for lunch and it was good for me to talk about the Inquest and how I felt and have a sympathetic ear. It also helps that having worked with Judith for many years that I knew what an understanding and caring person she was and so I found it easy to talk about personal stuff and the way I was feeling.
That brings me to the beginning of this account and the trip on the ferry. I knew Christmas was going to be difficult and so I decided to be away and I saw this week in Paris advertised by Just You holidays.
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS START
I won’t go through the details again, but this was the first time I had a serious suicidal thought that got stronger and seemed to be spiralling out of control so much so that I could not control it purely with the power of my own mind. The only way to stop it was to physically remove me from the potential danger.
I had suicidal thoughts after the funeral but was able to deal with them and these were primarily due to something the Priest said at the funeral. He said Diane was not dead she was in the next room waiting for her friends and family to join her when they were ready. This got me thinking that joining the old Diane with none of her ailments or mental problems but the fun-loving person I have known for so many years would be very nice indeed and why wait to make that a reality. But I was able to dismiss these thoughts and move on.
Now this was very different and when I arrived at the hotel in Paris I sent Ruth a text and she was very worried about my safety and was keen for me to seek medical help in the hotel. This was not feasible but I sent Ruth a text every day so she knew I was ok. As it turned out, the Just You holiday was not really my thing as I know Paris quite well and preferred wandering around on my own and trying to act like a local. I remember walking along the River Seine about 6pm and a lady saying Bon Soir to me which I replied in like manner and that made me feel good, as she had assumed I was a local.
I also managed to hopefully put Ruth’s mind at rest a bit by saying I had a Doctor’s appointment the day after I got back and would tell the Doctor everything. The reason for the appointment was that I had started taking sleeping tablets during the day to help my low mood and I got the idea because Diane used to do this. I was concerned that I might be doing myself some harm so I had a telephone conversation with the Doctor before I left as getting an appointment was impossible. She was concerned that I needed to do this and wanted to see me face to face as soon as possible and as I was leaving early in the morning for France the earliest appointment I could make was 29th December.
I did not have any more suicidal thoughts whilst in France and on the ferry trip home made sure that I stayed inside and just listened to music on my iPod.
DEPRESSION DIAGNOSED
I had the Doctor’s appointment, explained the background and she confirmed I was suffering from depression and prescribed anti-depressants. She also referred me to the Wokingham Mental Health Team and I received a visit from one of the supervisors that afternoon. One of the first questions they asked was how much confidence I had in them in view of what happened to Diane and I gave them a bit of a lie as I did not want to upset them and needed their help. I said that it was difficult for them to help Diane because she did not really want to be helped whereas I was in a completely different situation.
I had the interview with the Mental Health Team and was told their Crisis team would be contacting me every day. At the interview they looked round the house for any concerns and mentioned about not being happy about the two Sabatier knife blocks in the kitchen but decided to leave it. They also said it was important to exercise to release endorphins and I agreed to do half an hour on my treadmill every day. Something else they mentioned was that alcohol increases anxiety and so I decided to stop drinking alcohol, as I did not want those horrible thoughts to return.
About 4pm that day I did half an hour on the treadmill as asked and went upstairs to get changed when these thoughts of cutting my throat and wrists with the carving knives suddenly started and to start with I pushed them to one side but they came again and stronger and this time they were more difficult to push away. This continued and I could feel myself walking towards the stairs and stopping realising I have got to get out of the house. So I quickly got changed and ran down the stairs and out of the house taking a Mental Health leaflet with me for the help numbers. I phoned the number and left a message because there was nobody there to help and just walked around the estate. After about an hour I received a call and explained what had happened. She said I had done the right thing and the best thing would be to move the knives into the garage and lock them away as moving them out of sight will help to stop me thinking about them. She was happy to stay on the phone whilst I tried to move them, but I was about half an hour from home and thought I could do this but would phone her if I ran into problems.
I got home and managed to move the knives, but my heart was still racing and I sent a text to Ruth saying please phone. She phoned and I talked through what had happened and after a while I had calmed down and Ruth said I did not sound too panicked now like I did when we first spoke.
I went upstairs to lie on the bed and anxiety kicked in again and I thought that I was going to die because I would not be able to control these suicidal thoughts and I was just lucky today, but I did not want to die. As the anxiety and feeling I was not in control of my brain increased I decided to go out again and have a walk around until my head cleared, I cannot remember if I phoned Ruth again but I may have done.
After a while my head cleared and I went home to bed and fortunately these thoughts and anxiety subsided until the morning. In the morning I first started thinking about stabbing myself several times and lying in the bath to allow all the blood to soak away but thankfully that passed.
Then I started thinking about killing myself in the same way that Diane had done by using the same chair that was still in the back bedroom and using the cord from my dressing gown and these thoughts began getting stronger and stronger until I got out of bed and took the chair into the garage and locked it away, which helped.
I got up and phoned Wokingham Mental Health, which said I needed an urgent prescription for Diazepam to help me cope with the anxiety, and phoned my Doctor. I collected them and started taking this high dose straight away and this seemed to do the trick. They said I needed this until the anti-depressants started working and that was fine by me and I started to think maybe I would be able to beat this.
However, one thing they said was that I was not allowed to drive because of the suicide risk which is something that had not occurred to me and would require a re-think of my daily routine and gave me an excuse for staying in the house as I was quite content with getting up late, reading the papers, getting lunch and watching TV or surfing the net. I think this is part of depression in that you are content not to stretch yourself at all and stay within familiar environments.
Something else I noticed was that my sensitive side seemed more exposed than before and I found that I did not enjoy violent films as I had done in the past and romantic comedies or light films were more up my street. I also started watching children’s films like Toy Story and Ice Age and enjoyed these. I also found that certain lyrics in songs upset me and there is a track in the album Black Parade by My Chemical Romance that talks about a mother dying of cancer and I could not face listening to this.
The Mental Health Team also said that if you were mulling things over in your head it was a good idea to take time out and write down whatever you were thinking. This was particularly the case if you had trouble sleeping and it was best to keep a pen and paper on the bedside table. Apparently, the brain would hold on to whatever you were thinking and if you wrote it down your brain did not need to retain those thoughts, as it knew they were written down and would therefore be dealt with. If you did not do this, the brain would keep these thoughts active all night and it would stop you from sleeping. I had trouble sleeping anyway and found myself waking up every couple of hours, and whilst writing down what was bothering me helped with anxiety it did not help me sleeping. Although, sharing what I had written down did help the Mental Health Team visitor to understand what was bothering me and how my state of mind was, so it was definitely worthwhile.
Back to January and the Mental Health Team continued to keep a close watch on me and I continued taking the medication and gradually reduced the Diazepam with no adverse effects. It was interesting the amount of attention I was getting from the Mental Health Team, which was in stark contrast to the treatment Diane received. It made me wonder whether wrists had been slapped and they were trying to make up for it by giving me lots of help. Anyway, I was not complaining and it had been great to have their support.
FRIENDSHIPS
I continued texting Ruth every day with what I was doing and Ruth also wanted me to share everything I was thinking as that was more of a clue to how I was doing, and I was happy to do this. I was a bit naughty at times in saying things a bit risqué in view of the free licence I had been given and we discussed this and agreed parameters.
I do not know if it is a chap’s thing, but it did feel a bit strange sharing everything about myself with a lady if we were not romantically involved and Ruth always made it very clear that was not an option. Eventually I came to understand what it meant to have a female friend and there did not have to be any physical interaction to have a great time in a relationship as friends. You could enjoy each others company just for the company itself and have chats as great friends and get a real emotional lift from being in that relationship and sharing everything.
I was reminded of the line in the film “When Harry Met Sally” that men and women could never be friends because sex gets in the way. I can confirm that from my point of view this is totally untrue and this realisation stood me in great stead over the coming months.
I also met Judith for lunch halfway through January, which was nice even if I did not feel much like talking. I think Liz came along and her and Judith chatted most of the time, which was fine by me as it was just nice being among friends and interacting with them.
On the 2nd February Ruth was in Reading and we met for a meal in the evening. I was still not driving and so I got the bus to Reading and was a bit early. I texted Ruth and she said to come up to her room whilst she finished getting ready. This was the first time I had been in the hotel room of a lady on her own and remember the feeling of happiness in being invited in and her being at ease in my company. This did the world of good for my confidence. I think we had a Chinese meal and ordered far too much food and had a lovely relaxed evening. When we finished and were walking back to Ruth’s hotel my bus was just leaving and there was an hour until the next one and so Ruth said I might as well wait in her hotel room. I sat in the chair whilst Ruth lied on the bed and we had a good chat about a range of things and I just felt happy being in her company and chatting. I left for my bus and Ruth gave me a big hug and that was a very nice feeling.
FEBRUARY
During February I gradually reduced my Diazepam to zero as the anti-depressants were clearly doing their job, although I kept a supply in case of an anxiety attack. Actually, I had seen the psychiatrist at the end of January and the anti-depressants were increased from 20mg to 40mg.
An anxiety attack happened at the end of the month as I became anxious that Ruth had lost respect for me and Ruth was the most important person in my life to help me get through each day. I had been thinking it would be nice to have my life back the way that it was and Ruth was the only obvious Diane replacement as she knew me better than anyone else and had been there for me during all the trials and tribulations.
I was still sending texts to Ruth every day and sharing what I was thinking and earlier in the week had gone too far in explaining a sexual fantasy and I was worried that Ruth would not want to keep in touch any more. As it happened, we agreed that it was totally inappropriate for me to do this and Ruth still wanted to be friends and so did I so we agreed that all future communications would purely be as friends. So that was a relief.
A couple of weeks before this I had met Ruth for lunch as she was down in Reading on business and I remember she was wearing a purple top with a silver clasp. It also came up in conversation that she was meeting a chap from work in the evening that was working on one of the same projects as Ruth.
I received a phone call in the evening from Ruth asking me about good eating-places in the Oracle shopping centre and so I gave some suggestions. It also occurred to me that Ruth was a long way from her hotel and did not know Reading that well and could be in danger. So then I started imagining scenarios that might happen. In no particular order: Ruth was walking back to her hotel and a youth with a knife stops her in the Market Place and cuts open her top and bra and then someone is coming and so he runs off; they are staying at the same hotel and the chap drugged Ruth’s drink and took an unconscious Ruth to his room and raped her; they are in Nandos and the chap drugged Ruth’s drink and carried her out of the restaurant saying she had too much to drink. He had two accomplices who helped him bundle her into the car and they raped, robbed and killed her leaving her body in a ditch on the A4 outside Reading cricket ground. The free paper on Friday morning said they were trying to identify the body of a woman who was wearing a purple top. There were others circling in my brain and in the morning I texted Ruth at work asking if she was ok and thankfully at about 6.30pm from the airport I received a call from Ruth so I knew everything was alright, but I had spent the whole day worrying about her.
This month I also met my mum for lunch and she caught the bus into Reading, as I had not seen her since mid-December.
MARCH
When I saw the psychiatrist at the end of February I thought I was doing quite well and expected an easy ride or even discharge back to the GP. However, although there was improvement, the psychiatrist detected negative interpretations and thought my capable persona being projected was superficial and he increased my anti-depressants to 60mg.
On the 7th March I attended the Starting Over Show in London and found out about it because I was on Solo’s Holidays mailing list and they publicised it and gave away free tickets. I did not know what to expect so went with an open mind. There were life coaches there and I explained I was not planning any key life decisions like relationships or moving home as the guidance I had received said that I should wait at least 12 months. The people I saw agreed that this was a sensible approach and there was nothing they could do for me at this point in time.
I then wandered down to the mood room where they were doing yoga taster sessions and gave them a go even though I had never tried yoga before. I guess a taster session is not long enough to start feeling any benefit, but I had a chat with the teachers and explained my situation. They said that I needed to heal mind and body and that yoga was the best way of doing this so I decided to investigate the availability of yoga sessions when I got home. I also met Ruth for lunch on the 10th March and had a lovely time as usual which gave me a real boost. I also got a big hug from Ruth and I always enjoyed Ruth’s hugs.
I was now feeling more comfortable getting out and about and got the train up to Waterloo on 16th March and took my time looking round the National Gallery.
As I was now driving I arranged to travel up to Scotland for the last week of March and had started thinking that I would like to live in Scotland to be near Ruth and the other friends. So I had my house valued and stayed at Stirling as I thought this would be a nice place to live. I met with a couple of estate agents and had a good look round but did not take it any further.
Whilst there, I met up with Francis one evening and we went for a meal and saw the film Shutter Island. Francis works at Prudential and we had shared many drunken evenings together at work functions and were often in the last group at the end of the evening. Francis also suffered with depression and we were both drinking cokes, which was the first time that had ever happened. This film was about a guy with psychiatric problems following the death of his wife and kids and finding it difficult to face up to reality, so probably was not the best choice but I was ok and had a good time. I also met up with Fiona for an evening meal and Fiona used to work at Prudential and I remember at one works do being taught ceilidh dancing by her. We had a good time reminiscing over the past.
Naturally, I met up with Ruth and had an evening meal together the day after I arrived, spent all day Sunday together and met for lunch on my last day. I had a great time and it was lovely seeing her in her home and interacting with her family and friends. It was after this visit that I realised what friendship really meant and how valuable it is and I stopped thinking about Ruth as a potential life partner.
APRIL
As I was back driving thanks to the improvement in my mental health I could get back to playing tennis on Monday and Wednesday mornings. I was also asked to captain the Men’s Doubles 3 team in the Berkshire League so this kept me pretty busy too.
The lunch dates also increased this month as I had bumped into Katie on the way to meeting Judith last time and arranged to meet. I worked with Katie on a project at Prudential 15 years ago and our paths had crossed several times since and we always got on really well. I had also met Caron on the way to meeting Judith and Caron worked in the same team as me at Prudential. Caron suggested tagging along next time I met Judith, but I preferred meeting people 1-1 so I suggested this and Caron agreed.
I guess word was getting round my old department and Sarah contacted me through Facebook to see how I was and we agreed to meet for lunch. Sarah also worked at Prudential on the same department as me and although we were not in the same team we always got on well together.
So, I met Katie, Judith, Sarah and Caron for lunch dates this month and they were all great fun. I got lots of hugs and a couple of kisses, which was also nice. It is weird that I worked with people 7-10 hours a day but did not get to really know them as I said hello in the morning, switched on the PC, grafted away and said goodnight. It had been great getting to know everyone so much better. Also, I bumped into Bev after lunch with Judith who also worked on the same department and we agreed to meet next month.
I signed up for yoga classes after the Starting Over Show and the lessons started this month on Friday mornings. I think most people knew each other quite well and were mostly older than me and I was the only chap. Still they were fun even if I did not get the hang of the techniques, particularly meditation.
I was also able to see a couple of Oxford United football matches this month as I was back driving again but avoided the seats Diane and I used to use in case it triggered too many memories. It naturally triggered some and it was not the same but still enjoyable. Diane and I had been season ticket holders for about 10 years.
Now that my mental health had improved sufficiently to be fit to drive this meant the psychiatrist could refer me for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, as I should be able to understand and apply the techniques involved. However, firstly I had to go through a telephone assessment and because I was currently being seen by a psychiatrist I did not qualify for the therapy. I phoned the Mental Health Team and lo and behold I was admitted onto the course that started next month.
At the end of this month I decided that I needed to do something more fulfilling than playing tennis all month, and contacted the Wokingham Volunteer Centre to see what was available. I had to attend an interview and the best option seemed to be the Woodley Volunteer Driving Scheme taking old people to medical appointments, helping them find out where to go, waiting for them and driving them home.
MAY
May was the beginning of the Berkshire League cricket season and I made myself available for Woodley. I had not played last season because I needed to care for Diane, so I was fairly rusty. So, that was every Saturday taken care either playing or umpiring cricket or playing tennis league matches.
I continued playing tennis in the mornings until the driving assignments started arriving as I needed to be at home in the mornings to take calls. I therefore switched to the evening tennis club sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Yoga continued as well every Friday although this did restrict my availability for driving assignments, but I still managed to do four trips this month.
It was another good month for meeting ladies from work for lunch dates and I met Judith, Katie, Sarah, Bev and Caron. All of these went really and were great at building my confidence in being able to chat and make conversation. Also, I was becoming a hugger and was getting very used to hugging people, which was a nice feeling. I was never like this before and was more of a shake hands at a distance sort of person unless it was someone I knew well like Ruth or Francis.
Another highlight this month was that Oxford United were in the play-off final for the Football Conference at Wembley and I went and booked a hotel room next to the ground to avoid all the problems of getting out of Wembley after a big event. I had a great day and Oxford won with style and it was good for me to find enjoyment and exhilaration at a sporting event despite being on anti-depressants.
30th May was my birthday and coincidentally was the anniversary of when I met Diane and we had our first kiss, so I was dreading this day in case it brought back painful memories. I had texted Ruth a couple of weeks earlier about my concerns and she had replied not to worry we will do something on that day to help you get through.
It transpired that Ruth forgot and was meeting her family on that day but agreed to meet me on the 1st June for an evening meal, as it was also her birthday on 3rd June and we could celebrate both events. As it turned out I was ok on the day and had a lovely evening with Ruth on the 1st June.
I thought that it was real progress that the anniversary did not cause me to have any negative thoughts and that gave me lots of confidence in thinking I would be able to cope with future key dates without it causing anxiety and triggering depression.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
On May 12th the first of seven therapy sessions started and I was not sure what to expect. The psychiatrist said it was a key set of tools in dealing with depression and anxiety. Also, my GP sang the praises of it equally. So the pressure was on for me to understand and implement these key tools into my everyday life if I was to recover from depression.
The first session started with about 12 people sitting in a room in a horseshoe seating arrangement and 2 people sat at the front who were the tutors. They were female and looked fresh out of university. It was clearly stated up front that this was not a therapy session looking at individual problems but a teaching session that would explain techniques to deal certain scenarios. A different subject would be taken each week and we were free to ask questions in order to clarify our understanding.
I noticed that the majority of people were women and nobody looked too bad or desperate for help.
During the next seven weeks we covered loads of scenarios but it basically boiled down to identifying the thoughts that bother you and changing the way you view them. For example, everyone in an office is told they will be made redundant and some people will be overjoyed with the payout and opportunity to do something they enjoy. Whereas others will get concerned about how to pay the bills and look after their family and this would spark anxiety, negative thoughts, negative emotions/behaviours and physical changes leading to depression. It is the same information and we needed to learn how to change the way our thought processes worked and that in turn would alleviate the feelings of anxiety and depression.
My initial reaction to this was that there was no way of changing my reaction to the image of Diane hanging from the loft ladder as that was a horrifying actual image that would not change, but I decided to stick with it.
Next we looked at unhelpful ways of thinking and if our thought following a situation was negative and made us feel depressed it could be down to unhelpful ways of thinking and by identifying this fact we could change a negative thought to a positive thought and not feel depressed.
We were asked to record during the week any situations causing negative thoughts, the emotion, behaviour and thought errors. I found I was guilty of jumping to conclusions, which are not supported by facts, but mostly the thoughts were negative for a good reason.
Another technique was to test the negative thought by using facts to change the thought. I have used this as once I was due to meet one of the ladies from work for lunch and got anxious that we would not have anything to talk about and she would find me boring. I tested this with the fact that this had not happened in any previous meetings and the anxiety stopped.
We also covered anxiety and ways to deal with it. The theory was that you should expose yourself to an anxiety as nobody had ever died from anxiety and the next time you were in the same situation the anxiety would not be as bad. They also talked about avoidance measures and how these made an anxiety worse when it happened again. Examples were alcohol and taking a friend with you if you were anxious about something. I had started exposing myself to situations I felt anxious about without resorting to my diazepam stock and been ok so far.
Next they looked at the importance of activities and forcing yourself to do things as a way of dealing with the low mood associated with anxiety and depression. We had to complete a schedule for a week and I was pretty good on this one with my tennis, cricket, volunteer driving and the like. But I found it true that if I did not have anything planned it was easy to stay in bed and not show interest in the day, which lowered my mood. There was also some work on thought blocks to becoming more active, but I did not need to do anything to avoid these as I was fairly active anyway.
We also covered assertiveness and self-esteem and I openly admitted to not being as assertive as I should be but I was happy with the way I was. If I returned to a pressurised job this could be a problem but as I had no immediate intention to do this I decided not to try and implement those changes.
I have had low-esteem and managed to deal with it by being closed off and not exposing my frailties to others. In the past I had projected this calm and collected persona who would do anything for anyone and work long hours to achieve this. I could see myself in the model of low self-esteem but since Diane died that had changed. I was now open with friends and strangers and it was a case of what you see is what you get. I had noticed this personality change and friends had also commented on it.
I felt my self-esteem was growing and my friendship with Ruth and lunches with people from work had all helped to build up my self-esteem and confidence and I was happy with the new me without making any changes.
It was as if my personality before I met Diane was changing to enable me to cope with life without her and I guess that was how the brain decided to adapt and the CBT helped to trigger these changes.
JUNE
This month I collected virtually all of Diane’s belongings together and took them to her sister in Leicester. It had been something I was putting off but managed to collect them together without causing myself too much anxiety, so I was pleased about that.
Otherwise I followed the same patter as last month by playing cricket and tennis and doing 9 volunteer drives.
I also continued with the yoga and had lunch dates with Katie, Ruth, Jane, Judith, Bev and Sarah and had a really good month. I was also spoiled this month because I met Ruth twice for lunch dates and meeting Ruth was always special. I don’t think I mentioned Jane before and we met when I was waiting outside Prudential for one of my lunch dates and agreed to meet up. Jane worked at Prudential and I had worked with Jane before and it was especially useful, as she knew a bit about dating sites if I was thinking of going that route.
Also, I was chatting to one of the receptionist at the Woodley Volunteer Driving Scheme office and it turned out that the husband of someone I worked with at Prudential in the 1970s was related to this person and I vaguely knew the chap.
Apparently, he got lonely so I agreed to phone Brian, an 86 year-old gentlemen, and visited him at his flat for a few hours reminiscing about the old days at Prudential. Although, I don’t think he remembered me we had lots of friends in common and he was really pleased I paid him a visit so that gave me a good feeling inside. We agreed to meet up once a month.
JULY
My good progress continued this month and I organised lunch dates with Katie, Judith, Jane and Sarah. I also continued with the volunteer driving, cricket and tennis.
The highlight of this month was a visit to Scotland for a week and I was able to see Ruth quite a lot. On Saturday I spent the day with Ruth, her son, her niece and son’s friend and played 2-a-side football on an indoor 5-a-side pitch that was lots of fun and I played with the niece against the two boys whilst Ruth watched. After that we had something to eat and saw Toy Story 3D.
I was staying at Edinburgh and the day before I had been to the Dynamic Earth attraction and when looking through the souvenirs I saw a heart-shaped paperweight with a picture of the world on it saying you are my world. I decided to buy it for Ruth after much deliberation of should I, shan’t I, is it right to buy presents for a married woman. In the end I went with my 1st instinct and Ruth liked the present. In the past I would not have had the self-confidence to do this.
I had been feeling pretty good over this last month and decided to book a holiday with Solo’s to Turkey for a week and left at the end of July. I met some really nice people and the holiday was a real boost to my confidence in being able to have good times with people I had only just met.
In fact, on the beach there were a couple of ladies in their mid-20s and I fancied getting to talk to them and I got the opportunity when they started taking pictures of each other in the sea and I asked if they would like their photos taken together. I ended up chatting for about an hour and one of them asked my Solo’s friend to take a picture of us together. I felt really good after this trip and confident that I did not need to book a holiday with a singles firm to have a good time. When I got back I booked a 2-week Caribbean cruise at Christmas.
STARTING OVER SHOW IN NOVEMBER
My confidence continued to grow during the next few months and I was finding the volunteer driving was not taking up enough of my time so I volunteered at the Head Offices of the charities Oxfam and DebRA working 9-5 three days a week on Mondays – Wednesdays. This left Thursdays for socialising, Friday for yoga and the evenings free for tennis. The driving to Oxford proved too tiring so I ended up working 3 days a week for DebRA, that was only a 20-minute drive away.
I saw the Starting Over Show advertised on Facebook and thought I would go along to see what they could offer me. It turned out that I spent most of the evening chatting to Sam Wilson who was working on the reception desk and gave her an abridged version of the last 2 years.
Sam thought my story would be an inspiration to others and that I should put it into writing, which, on reflection I thought was a good idea.
So, here is my story and I hope it helps you if you are in a bad place or that you just find it interesting if you are not.
SOMEONE IS INSIDE MY HEAD AND IT’S NOT ME
ONE MAN’S STORY ABOUT DEALING WITH DEPRESSION
Tony Bucknall
THE PROBLEM
My name is Tony and it is the 23rd December 2009 as I head southwards from Dover ferry terminal towards the coast of France. I can see the white cliffs of Dover gradually disappearing into the distance as I stand on the top viewing level of the ferry looking out to sea.
Then it happens, I suddenly get this thought that I should climb onto the rail that is waist high and jump into the sea by the propellers to kill myself instantly. The rational side of my brain then kicks in and says don’t be stupid you don’t want to die, you have been through one of the hardest of life’s experiences and come out the other side. Then the thought hits me again and this time it feels stronger and it is more difficult to push this thought out of my head. I start feeling anxious because the rational side of my brain says to me you are not going to be able to stop yourself jumping in as these thoughts are going to get stronger and take over your brain. So, whilst I still have a semblance of control I leave the deck to go inside and find a corner, crank up the iPod to full power, close my eyes and manage to survive the journey.
This, for me, signalled the start of my deep depression and if I turn the clocks back to May 2008 this might explain the background to how my brain had reached this state.
DIANE & ME
Diane had been my girlfriend since May 1989 when we met on a Solo’s holiday in the Gambia and the years together had been the happiest years of both our lives and it seemed that we were fated to meet and spend the rest of our lives together.
The fate thing started on holiday, as we only really became an item on the last day of the holiday and if we had flown back the next day as planned we would have probably drifted apart.
However, the flight was delayed 48 hours due to a technical fault and the travel company needed to put us into a hotel and asked for people to share a room. We were sitting next to each other on the coach and as we looked at each other it was obvious what we were both thinking and we shared a room for the 48 hours. During this time we got to know each other really well, and not in a sexual sense but in an emotional way and sealed the bond that lasted throughout our lives together.
The other day I found a poem I had written early in our relationship and Diane had obviously kept it as a reminder:
Amid champagne cruises on the Gambia River
And Caribbean beaches that make your heart quiver
Then back to picturesque flowers of every hue
And decorated rooms of brown, pink and blue
The common denominator Diane is you
And my love for you will never wither
So back to May 2008, and Diane was suffering with a form of leukaemia or bone marrow cancer known as multiple myeloma which had been discovered at a routine blood test in March 2007. She also suffered with a scoliosis of the spine, which was gradually becoming more painful.
Her consultant had been monitoring the multiple myeloma and it had now reached the stage when it needed to be treated otherwise it could start causing organ or skeletal damage, and that meant a course of chemotherapy.
We had discussed me taking early retirement and agreed that it would be a good idea if Diane also started drawing her deferred Sun Alliance pension. So, at the age 51 I left work so that I would be there for Diane to help her through the treatment and effectively be her “rock”.
In May 2008 Diane started taking a cocktail of cancer treatment drugs, which included chemotherapy, thalidomide and steroid tablets. Diane noticed that the steroids gave her more energy and I said that now you can see why athletes can run so fast. There were so many tablets to take that I had to construct a weekly schedule split into morning, midday and evening with the number and type of tablets at each time slot, which Diane would tick to make sure she was taking the right tablets at the right times.
MEDICAL TREATMENT & DEPRESSION
I won’t go through the specific details of the treatment, but suffice to say that Diane continued with this treatment and had times of sickness but generally seemed to be coping quite well.
Then in July Diane started feeling down and this was due to her scoliosis becoming more painful and she had an epidural, but it did not seem to work. I tried to encourage her by saying that it will take a few weeks to work, but Diane was taking a very negative view of things.
That brings me to the 16th July, which seemed like any other day and Diane had seen Doctor Deborah the day before that normally cheered her up. But it was not a normal day and Diane was being very sick with a bowl by her bed and I stayed upstairs on the computer to listen out and bring glasses of water and mop her brow.
By midday Diane was still being sick and I asked whether I should contact her consultant, as it might be a reaction to her cancer medication but she was adamant that I should not contact him.
Then I started thinking the unthinkable, had Diane taken an overdose and tried to kill herself. I checked the cancer medication and it was all in tact but she could have taken other drugs, which I did not keep a record of. If she had wanted to kill herself what do I do? If she wants to kill herself because life is so unbearable should I let her, then again would I be locked up for helping in an assisted suicide? Or should I call an ambulance only to find it’s something innocuous. These thoughts were running through my head for about 20 minutes when Diane called me. She said she was very sorry but had tried to kill herself by taking her complete supply of paracetamol and sleeping pills. So, I phoned 999 and Diane was rushed to hospital and they saved her life.
I remember phoning the wife of Diane’s brother from the hospital when it happened and started crying down the phone and I cannot remember the last time I cried, not even when my dad died in 2000.
Next day I also phoned Ruth as I was meant to be going up to Scotland to see my work colleagues and she was really supportive.
Diane was discharged from hospital on 22nd July and the report states she had taken 32 paracetamol tablets, 40 co-codamol tablets and 40 zolpidem tablets. Diane said that she would never do it again.
RUTH
My friend and now best friend Ruth has been absolutely wonderful for me, as you will see as the story unfolds. But who is Ruth?
I worked for a financial services company in the Compliance department and my expertise was pensions and Ruth’s was everything else. Also, I was based in Reading and Ruth in Stirling, Scotland. We were both managers in the same team and always got along really well and helped each out when we could.
We worked together for over 10 years and in my trips to Scotland I always received a warm welcome from Ruth with her beautiful lilting Scottish accent as she said hello and greeted my like a long lost friend. The warmth that Ruth showed I could feel and Ruth is the nicest and friendliest person I have ever met, and I have met loads of people in my life.
Although Ruth is about 15 years younger than me I always felt we had this special rapport and we were on the same wavelength in so many ways. Also, Ruth understood what I was really like instead of this calm, unflappable persona that I projected to everyone else.
Ruth has been and still is ‘my rock’ who I always turn to when times get bad and who always knows what to say to make me feel better. I do not know how I would have coped without Ruth.
DEALING WITH DEPRESSION
Following discharge from hospital, Diane’s cancer consultant said it was important that she receives psychiatric help, ideally through the NHS, so we pursued this via Diane’s doctor. However, according to the Wokingham Mental Health team Diane did not qualify for support from their team because her condition was not serious enough and they had a points system and Diane did not have enough points. I then suggested to Diane that we go private, as it was important she received this support and although she baulked at paying out for the consultations she eventually agreed.
So, the cancer treatment continued as before and Diane attended these private psychiatric consultations and was now taking anti-depressants. This cycle continued until the 12th October during which time Diane’s depression seemed about the same as before the overdose. Also, at this time I was keeping the medication locked away as an added precaution and on the recommendation from Diane’s doctor.
I remember one conversation when Diane became anxious that I would turn her out of the house and I assured her that it was our home and I would never do this. To which she responded that she did not love me any more and so we could not continue living together. This was a real bombshell and I had to think fast to reassure her. So I said whether or not Diane loved me I would always love her and if it meant our relationship became more plutonic I would still enjoy the relationship and sharing life’s experiences as best friends with her.
I was quite happy doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, giving Diane her tablets and doing things around the house because Diane could not cope with the most simple tasks because of the depression, but the thought of Diane not loving me anymore was tough to take.
This did bother me and in my regular texts with Ruth I told her, as I did everything that was happening in my life, and Ruth said it was just the depression talking and don’t worry Diane still loves you. I felt a lot better after Ruth’s comforting words.
On other occasions Diane begged me to let her have her tablets so she could take an overdose, and again this was very difficult as I hated to see Diane suffering but explained I could not and the anti-depressants should start to work and she would start feeling better. Also, if I let her have the key it would be an assisted suicide and I could go to jail.
Anyway back to the 12th October…………………..
THE DARTS EVENING
Today was much like any other day and Diane was now on Velcade chemotherapy injections twice a week that were administered at hospital, because the tablets were not reducing the cancer as quickly as the consultant was expecting.
This day Diane had her Velcade injections at hospital as normal, we had lunch and Diane seemed to be having a good day. That evening I attended a darts evening to raise funds on behalf of an ex-manager and good friend who had died earlier in the year with the funds going to help finding a cure to the rare condition which caused his death. Diane said she would be ok and by this time I was keeping the medication locked away and hiding the key as an added precaution in case Diane felt like taking another overdose.
However, I got home about 11pm and fortunately had not been drinking because I was driving and found Diane unconscious on the floor with half a bottle of gin on the bedside table and tablets strewn over the bedroom floor. I sat Diane against the side of the bed and she was mumbling something incoherent so I lifted her onto the bed and this time it was obvious what had happened and I called 999. They asked me to locate all the empty packets and it transpired she had taken 30 diazepam and 30 zolpidem tablets washed down with half a bottle of gin.
It was a Friday night and Diane was admitted to A&E and discharged the following morning but it all seemed a bit chaotic. When Diane got home she slept solidly for about 13 hours and woke with severe pains in her back and side and asked me to phone Reddoc as it was a Sunday morning. The Doctor was very concerned about Diane’s oxygen levels and phoned CDU at the hospital to free up a bed.
I drove Diane to the hospital and she hardly had the energy to get to the ward and needed a wheelchair. Once in CDU they determined that Diane had pneumonia and needed 4 bags of blood to get her oxygen levels up to a reasonable level and was then transferred to the cancer ward to recover.
Diane was in a ward with 3 other ladies, and she struck up a friendship with them, but I think a turning point was when her consultant visited her and had a frank and honest discussion with her. It started out with Diane saying she cannot kill herself with tablets and how long would it take for the cancer to kill her if she stopped all treatment. His response was 6 months and he would do everything to minimise the pain, but he stressed that she was in control of what treatment she had although it might not feel like that sometimes. She then talked about her back and that when the scoliosis deteriorates she was told that part of her spine would need to be fused and there is a risk of being wheelchair bound. Again he said if you do not want that treatment you do not have to go ahead with it.
I think after this chat her mood lifted and I think she felt more in control of her destiny and decided she would go ahead with the cancer treatment followed by the stem cell transplant, and began looking forward to a life together again. She felt that the depression had suddenly lifted and all indications were that this was true.
Diane was discharged a couple of days later and this time the Wokingham Mental Health Team were all over her like a rash with home visits every couple of days and it made me wonder if someone had received a slapped wrist for not giving her access to their team previously.
Also, Diane saw her Doctor the next day and she felt embarrassed about going as she had been lovely and Diane felt she was letting her Doctor down by trying to take her own life. I reassured Diane that there would be no recrimination and the Doctor would be there to help.
When we started talking with the Doctor about the circumstances of the overdose insofar as Diane had worked out where the key was, she new I would be out till late that night, she finished making some bedroom curtains that evening, the hospital nurses saw no change in her mood when administering the Velcade injections and neither did I. The Doctor then gave the bombshell that it would happen again as this was not a sudden reaction but a planned operation and whilst depressed Diane’s mood may not change or may even be better than normal because she new that her misery was soon to end.
Diane disagreed and said that was all behind her but I had this nagging thought in my head that Diane was going to kill herself sometime, maybe not this week, this month or this year, but it is going to happen sometime and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening.
RECOVERY FROM DEPRESSION
It was great having my old Diane back, and although the cancer treatment continued we were now back to enjoying each other’s company and enjoying daily life experiences together. We went for walks around the lakes every day that were only a 10-minute walk away and life seemed back to normal. I also joined a tennis club and played at least 2 days a week on Monday and Wednesday mornings. Diane encouraged me to do this, as she was keen for me to get out and see other people and have some ‘me time’. We also visited Beesley Wigs and Diane was fitted for two wigs in preparation for the time when her hair started falling out and they were a virtual perfect match for her own hair without the need for all the conditioners and time spent with the straighteners. We now understood why celebrities’ hair always looked perfect, as they must be wearing a wig.
Diane was discharged from the care of the Wokingham Mental Health Team on 27th November and as I was now recognised as a carer for someone with depression I qualified for free counselling sessions, so I thought why not it can’t do any harm.
I had never had counselling before so did not know what to expect but went with an open mind. I happily talked about the recent past and myself. I thought she might be interested in the fact I was adopted so told her about this. However, it was getting more and more difficult to think of things to say and I knew Diane was not keen on me going as she felt responsible for me needing counselling, so I stopped. The counsellor tried to make me feel guilty as one thing that had come out is that I do things to please others and never want to let people down. For example, I felt I owed something to my adopted parents for adopting me and that was a big driver in sticking with obtaining my professional qualifications so that they would be proud. So, the counsellor said I was letting her down by stopping now, in the hope I would feel obligated to continue, but I didn’t.
Diane’s good frame of mind continued and the chemotherapy was working so that Diane could have the stem cell transplant, meanwhile her dad was ill in hospital and his health deteriorated to such an extent that he died in January, although this did not seem to impact on her mood.
I will now fast forward to March 2009 as preparations for the stem cell transplant begin and Diane’s mood still seemed to be positive.
HOSPITAL
On the 10th March Diane had a biopsy on her bone marrow to confirm that the levels of cancer were low enough to start the treatment. However, the consultant at the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford who would be responsible for the treatment was concerned about Diane’s history of asthma, and this was checked out. He concluded that the risk was low enough to continue the treatment.
The high dose chemotherapy was administered and I also gave Diane injections in her stomach every day for a week to help bring the stem cells out into the blood stream as Diane could not face injecting herself.
We then went to the blood donor centre at the John Radcliffe Hospital and the stem cells were extracted in a day with no problems. Some people needed three days on the machine but not Diane, so that was a good start.
About a week later Diane’s hair started to fall out and Diane was admitted to Hospital on the 14th April. I won’t go into the details of the next four weeks but I was at the hospital every day from 9am – 6.30pm and was like an auxiliary nurse seeing to all Diane’s needs and Diane said after being discharged that she did not know how she would have coped without me there.
Suffice to say that whilst in hospital her health went from going for walks in the grounds to not having the strength raise her arms to wash. Intensive care was involved when her oxygen levels were dangerously low due to her history of asthma. The medical conditions during her stay also included many asthma attacks, disorientation, low blood pressure, high water retention, low oxygen levels, morphine reaction, very high temperatures, water on the lung, high weight gain and various reactions to her immune system being reduced to zero. I think she had about 15 bags of blood during her stay.
Anyway, we came through it together and Diane was really pleased to get home on the 11th May and have the various tubes for administering the chemo removed on 22nd May.
CRUISE
Diane was feeling well enough for a holiday after being discharged from hospital and her consultant said it would be ok as long as it did not involve flying. We had been on cruises before with Dave and Juli from Minnesota and they were doing a France, Ireland and Norway cruise leaving from Harwich next month, so we booked it.
However, a couple of weeks before the cruise left on 22nd June Diane started getting some of her depression symptoms returning and began panicking about coping with the cruise. I reassured her that we would not book any trips and if she did not want to leave the ship we would not and our only commitment was to meet Dave and Juli for an evening meal and they would understand if she was not up to that. Then it came to packing and Diane said she could not focus on her packing so I did her packing and the jobs Diane would normally do prior to a holiday.
I thought the cruise went reasonably well and we enjoyed the time together wandering around the various ports of call at our leisure and we got back on the 4th July. However, it was noticeable that during the cruise Diane found it difficult to motivate herself to get up in the mornings.
POST CRUISE OVERDOSE
Diane’s depression seemed worse when we got back from the cruise and on the evening of 7th July Diane took an overdose of 50 Zolpidem sleeping tablets and told me at 8.30am the next day what she had done. Diane said as it had not worked there was no need to do anything but I disagreed and said she needed to have tests to make sure she had not harmed herself.
Firstly, I phoned the Wokingham Mental Health Team explaining the attempted suicide and was told that as it was over 6 months’ since Diane was last seen by anyone from their team they would not deal with her and I would have to contact her GP. So, I phoned the Doctors reception and her Doctor was not there so I left a message and about 15 minutes later the receptionist phoned and said she had spoken to the Doctor and Diane must be taken to A&E.
So, off we went and all the tests were ok and Diane was interviewed by the Hospital Mental Health representative and referred to the Wokingham Mental Health Crisis Team. Diane was discharged the same day and had lots of visits from Wokingham and we saw their psychiatrist whose primary function seemed to be the determination of which anti-depressants to prescribe.
During the rest of the month Diane’s mood went up and down and some days she was able to do simple chores like cutting the grass, ironing or coming to Asda with me to do the food shopping. We also had a day at Diane’s mum who had no idea Diane was wearing a wig which reassured Diane.
The Wokingham Mental Health psychiatrist discharged Diane from his care on the 23rd July, which we both thought was a bit soon and I know Diane felt a bit isolated and was expecting more support.
Diane continued to have better days than bad ones and after chatting with her sister decided to spend a week with her mum in Bognor Regis at the beginning of August. I also contacted the Princess Trust for Carers as they provide support for carers and I thought they might be able to give me some tips. I met them on 31st July and coincidentally on that day Diane had a bad day and began worrying about her visit to her mum’s. I do not know if Diane felt responsible for me going for support at the Carers but it was reassuring for me as it confirmed I had been doing the right things.
I took Diane to Bognor Regis on the Sunday but collected her on Wednesday, as Diane needed to cut the visit short. The depression symptoms were getting bad and she was worried about her mum finding out about the wig and having to explain to her mum that she had cancer. I think that when you have depression you need to be in your own home and being away made the anxiety too much to bear. Diane was pleased to be home but had what she called a ‘not with it feeling’ and the depression was getting bad again. Then on the 18th August we saw the cancer consultant who said that the stem cell transplant had been a success and that she would have five years free of any symptoms. He did express concern that she had been discharged by the Wokingham Mental Health Team as clearly her mood was not what it should be and was going to investigate. I would have expected Diane to be overjoyed with this news, but this did not seem to have any effect on her mood.
D-DAY (DISASTER-DAY)
Wednesday 19th August seemed like any other Wednesday, as I got up early to be at the morning club tennis session for 9am and as I was leaving Diane was just getting out of bed, which was normal. It was Morphine patch day for her leg pain and I said I would put it on when I got back.
About midday I got home and dropped my tennis bag in the lounge and the house was unusually quiet so I called upstairs but no reply. Then I walked upstairs and there was Diane hanging from the loft ladder by her dressing gown cord with a white dressing chair off to one side. My initial reaction was ‘oh no’ and I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then practicality kicked in and I phoned 999.
They said to go down and leave the front door open for a paramedic to come in. Then whilst holding the cordless phone to my ear they said cut above the knot and lay her flat on the ground, which I did and noticed there was no movement and here legs were looking a blotchy red. They then said administer CPR and counted 15 with me as I pressed against the chest then the 3 breaths to her mouth and this continued until the paramedic shouted up the stairs and I said ‘up here’. He arrived at the top of the stairs and said I could stop CPR and that I had lost her. This confirmed what I thought when giving the CPR and I asked him whether she would have suffered and he said she would have been dead in under 10 seconds, so that was a relief that she did not suffer long.
He then asked me to go downstairs and sit down, as the Police would be arriving soon to ask me some questions. They arrived and because there was no suicide note they would have to treat the house as a crime scene and their forensic team would need to go through the house thoroughly. They asked if there was anywhere I could go and I said I would be happy to sit in my car. They then said my next-door neighbour was asking what was happening and would I be happy to go there, and that was fine with me. So I went next door and broke down a bit when telling Yvonne what had happened and drank some cups of coffee until the three hours had passed which is what it took for all their checks and to take away Diane’s body. The police asked me to sign a statement and said that there would be an inquest due to death being by suicide and the Coroner would be in touch with me.
FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS
Next was the job of letting everyone know and in no particular order I told Diane’s family in Bognor Regis and my family. Diane’s brother’s wife asked me to come down to help explain it to Diane’s mum who was then in her late-80’s, so I drove to Bognor.
That all went ok and Diane’s mum seemed to take it in her stride, and I drove home in the evening even though my sister had phoned Bognor to say I should not drive back in view of what happened, but I was adamant that I would drive home. I asked Diane’s family to sort out the funeral arrangements and I would come back to meet whoever needed to be met. This happened to be the undertaker and Priest and it all seemed to run smoothly. My main contribution was the selection of the song ‘unforgettable’ by Natalie Cole for the end of the funeral and a picture of the garden for the cover of the service booklet.
Diane had previously discussed with her sister details of flowers etc she would like at her funeral so I was happy to go along with this. When Diane had previously tried to take her life she had compiled a list of friends to contact and I contacted them once and those who wanted to go to the funeral again when the details were known. I left Diane’s family to let their family know and my mum to contact my family.
The funeral came and went and it was nice to see people from my cricket club and a couple of friends from work there to show support. The reception went reasonably smoothly and I remember it was a nice feeling being hugged by my neighbours, Diane’s family and my family. Even getting a couple of kisses was nice and unexpected.
THE MONTHS AFTER THE FUNERAL
The funeral over, it was then the job of sorting out the affairs and paperwork and that kept me busy for a couple of months and I was surprised of how well I seemed to be coping in view of the enormity of what happened. I had the leaflet from Cruse bereavement counselling about coping with grief and I seemed to be pretty much having the feelings described. Although I remember being surprised that it did not say anything about having suicidal thoughts.
In July I had an inguinal hernia diagnosed and the operation to correct it was performed in October. The operation went fine although the hallucinations afterwards were amazing and I have never experienced anything like this after an operation with anaesthetic and forced myself to stay awake, as they were also very disturbing. Fortunately, they only lasted 1 night and I have no idea what they gave me but it was obviously too strong for my brain to deal with. I had to stay in the hospital overnight as I could not be left alone at home following an anaesthetic, also I was not allowed to drive for 48 hours and a neighbour kindly picked me up from the hospital.
In September I was struck down with bronchitis and I guess my immune system was not operating at its normal level in view of the grief. Fortunately, the bronchitis cleared up in a couple of weeks with the help of antibiotics.
During September my friend Ruth checked up on me and we met for lunch when she was down in Reading on business on 1st October. Another friend from work whom I used to sit next to in the office was Judith and I had some good chats on the phone with Judith. I also met my friends from work who went to the funeral for drinks on the 27th August and 23rd October.
Things continued to tick along nicely during October and I was pretty much content with being around the house, sorting out paperwork and not doing much else. I was cooking for myself and having Waitrose home deliveries. I was still pleased with myself with the way I was coping with Diane’s death.
In November I had arranged to go up to Scotland to say goodbye to work colleagues and I remember it being nice to catch up with good friends even if there were not as many people interested in seeing me as I thought there would be.
However, a week before the trip I agreed to turn up to a darts match and pick up a couple of guys who were playing. The pick up was in a housing estate I was not familiar with and I was having problems finding the pick-up point. I drove down a cul-de-sac and could feel the anxiety increasing within me as I was getting late and the guys needed to be there for the start, and I do not normally feel like this. Then instead of putting the car in drive I put it in reverse and heard a smashing glass noise but instead of checking what I had hit I drove off. I then found the guys and said I had hit a bollard and taken out my indicator cluster. This got me thinking that the grief may be having more of an impact on me than I realised and did not go to any more darts matches.
DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS START EMERGING
When I drove back home from Heathrow after the Scotland visit, I remember having difficulty concentrating and things that normally came automatically I had to think about very carefully, it was a bit like when I was learning to drive with mirror, signal, manoeuvre. I was in the middle lane and was having to force myself to concentrate and focus on all the actions for driving and it was very scary. This made me very nervous and I got into the slow lane and made it home without incident, but it was really worrying and I spoke to Ruth about it when I got home.
This brings me to December and the Inquest on the 17th and I was really dreading how I would cope with it as I would be forced to re-live the events and go through the statements given to the Police, listen to social enquiry reports and the like. I had already supplied the Court with a personality profile for Diane and details of the medical treatment Diane had received including extracts from her mood log that the psychiatrist had asked her to keep.
I decided to get a train to Windsor and met up with Diane’s sister, brother and her brother’s wife. The inquest started by going through the Coroner’s report and the contents of Diane’s stomach and I remember him mentioning traces of paracetamol that Diane took the night before for her restless legs. He went through my detailed medical log with all the appointments and treatments, which the family later said helped them to understand what Diane had been going through, as they had no idea. Then the Mental Health Team gave their report focussing on Diane’s mental health history. I thought they had been deficient in their treatment of Diane and seemed to be covering their backs, but the Coroner was defensive on the matter. Next came the Police reports of the crime scene and what their forensic teams had found. All this led to the decision that death by suicide was the cause.
I found the whole experience severely depressing as it focussed on everything negative about Diane and nothing positive, at least at the funeral people can reflect on the good things in people’s lives but there is none of that at an Inquest. At least Diane’s family found it helpful to them in understanding what Diane was going through and why she decided to take her own life. For me, there was nothing new, just a character assassination of the person I loved and it was a very painful experience.
My friends from work; Ruth and Judith asked me to phone after the Inquest as they knew I was dreading it, so I spoke to them on the train journey home and it made me feel a bit better speaking to them about it.
Next day I met Judith for lunch and it was good for me to talk about the Inquest and how I felt and have a sympathetic ear. It also helps that having worked with Judith for many years that I knew what an understanding and caring person she was and so I found it easy to talk about personal stuff and the way I was feeling.
That brings me to the beginning of this account and the trip on the ferry. I knew Christmas was going to be difficult and so I decided to be away and I saw this week in Paris advertised by Just You holidays.
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS START
I won’t go through the details again, but this was the first time I had a serious suicidal thought that got stronger and seemed to be spiralling out of control so much so that I could not control it purely with the power of my own mind. The only way to stop it was to physically remove me from the potential danger.
I had suicidal thoughts after the funeral but was able to deal with them and these were primarily due to something the Priest said at the funeral. He said Diane was not dead she was in the next room waiting for her friends and family to join her when they were ready. This got me thinking that joining the old Diane with none of her ailments or mental problems but the fun-loving person I have known for so many years would be very nice indeed and why wait to make that a reality. But I was able to dismiss these thoughts and move on.
Now this was very different and when I arrived at the hotel in Paris I sent Ruth a text and she was very worried about my safety and was keen for me to seek medical help in the hotel. This was not feasible but I sent Ruth a text every day so she knew I was ok. As it turned out, the Just You holiday was not really my thing as I know Paris quite well and preferred wandering around on my own and trying to act like a local. I remember walking along the River Seine about 6pm and a lady saying Bon Soir to me which I replied in like manner and that made me feel good, as she had assumed I was a local.
I also managed to hopefully put Ruth’s mind at rest a bit by saying I had a Doctor’s appointment the day after I got back and would tell the Doctor everything. The reason for the appointment was that I had started taking sleeping tablets during the day to help my low mood and I got the idea because Diane used to do this. I was concerned that I might be doing myself some harm so I had a telephone conversation with the Doctor before I left as getting an appointment was impossible. She was concerned that I needed to do this and wanted to see me face to face as soon as possible and as I was leaving early in the morning for France the earliest appointment I could make was 29th December.
I did not have any more suicidal thoughts whilst in France and on the ferry trip home made sure that I stayed inside and just listened to music on my iPod.
DEPRESSION DIAGNOSED
I had the Doctor’s appointment, explained the background and she confirmed I was suffering from depression and prescribed anti-depressants. She also referred me to the Wokingham Mental Health Team and I received a visit from one of the supervisors that afternoon. One of the first questions they asked was how much confidence I had in them in view of what happened to Diane and I gave them a bit of a lie as I did not want to upset them and needed their help. I said that it was difficult for them to help Diane because she did not really want to be helped whereas I was in a completely different situation.
I had the interview with the Mental Health Team and was told their Crisis team would be contacting me every day. At the interview they looked round the house for any concerns and mentioned about not being happy about the two Sabatier knife blocks in the kitchen but decided to leave it. They also said it was important to exercise to release endorphins and I agreed to do half an hour on my treadmill every day. Something else they mentioned was that alcohol increases anxiety and so I decided to stop drinking alcohol, as I did not want those horrible thoughts to return.
About 4pm that day I did half an hour on the treadmill as asked and went upstairs to get changed when these thoughts of cutting my throat and wrists with the carving knives suddenly started and to start with I pushed them to one side but they came again and stronger and this time they were more difficult to push away. This continued and I could feel myself walking towards the stairs and stopping realising I have got to get out of the house. So I quickly got changed and ran down the stairs and out of the house taking a Mental Health leaflet with me for the help numbers. I phoned the number and left a message because there was nobody there to help and just walked around the estate. After about an hour I received a call and explained what had happened. She said I had done the right thing and the best thing would be to move the knives into the garage and lock them away as moving them out of sight will help to stop me thinking about them. She was happy to stay on the phone whilst I tried to move them, but I was about half an hour from home and thought I could do this but would phone her if I ran into problems.
I got home and managed to move the knives, but my heart was still racing and I sent a text to Ruth saying please phone. She phoned and I talked through what had happened and after a while I had calmed down and Ruth said I did not sound too panicked now like I did when we first spoke.
I went upstairs to lie on the bed and anxiety kicked in again and I thought that I was going to die because I would not be able to control these suicidal thoughts and I was just lucky today, but I did not want to die. As the anxiety and feeling I was not in control of my brain increased I decided to go out again and have a walk around until my head cleared, I cannot remember if I phoned Ruth again but I may have done.
After a while my head cleared and I went home to bed and fortunately these thoughts and anxiety subsided until the morning. In the morning I first started thinking about stabbing myself several times and lying in the bath to allow all the blood to soak away but thankfully that passed.
Then I started thinking about killing myself in the same way that Diane had done by using the same chair that was still in the back bedroom and using the cord from my dressing gown and these thoughts began getting stronger and stronger until I got out of bed and took the chair into the garage and locked it away, which helped.
I got up and phoned Wokingham Mental Health, which said I needed an urgent prescription for Diazepam to help me cope with the anxiety, and phoned my Doctor. I collected them and started taking this high dose straight away and this seemed to do the trick. They said I needed this until the anti-depressants started working and that was fine by me and I started to think maybe I would be able to beat this.
However, one thing they said was that I was not allowed to drive because of the suicide risk which is something that had not occurred to me and would require a re-think of my daily routine and gave me an excuse for staying in the house as I was quite content with getting up late, reading the papers, getting lunch and watching TV or surfing the net. I think this is part of depression in that you are content not to stretch yourself at all and stay within familiar environments.
Something else I noticed was that my sensitive side seemed more exposed than before and I found that I did not enjoy violent films as I had done in the past and romantic comedies or light films were more up my street. I also started watching children’s films like Toy Story and Ice Age and enjoyed these. I also found that certain lyrics in songs upset me and there is a track in the album Black Parade by My Chemical Romance that talks about a mother dying of cancer and I could not face listening to this.
The Mental Health Team also said that if you were mulling things over in your head it was a good idea to take time out and write down whatever you were thinking. This was particularly the case if you had trouble sleeping and it was best to keep a pen and paper on the bedside table. Apparently, the brain would hold on to whatever you were thinking and if you wrote it down your brain did not need to retain those thoughts, as it knew they were written down and would therefore be dealt with. If you did not do this, the brain would keep these thoughts active all night and it would stop you from sleeping. I had trouble sleeping anyway and found myself waking up every couple of hours, and whilst writing down what was bothering me helped with anxiety it did not help me sleeping. Although, sharing what I had written down did help the Mental Health Team visitor to understand what was bothering me and how my state of mind was, so it was definitely worthwhile.
Back to January and the Mental Health Team continued to keep a close watch on me and I continued taking the medication and gradually reduced the Diazepam with no adverse effects. It was interesting the amount of attention I was getting from the Mental Health Team, which was in stark contrast to the treatment Diane received. It made me wonder whether wrists had been slapped and they were trying to make up for it by giving me lots of help. Anyway, I was not complaining and it had been great to have their support.
FRIENDSHIPS
I continued texting Ruth every day with what I was doing and Ruth also wanted me to share everything I was thinking as that was more of a clue to how I was doing, and I was happy to do this. I was a bit naughty at times in saying things a bit risqué in view of the free licence I had been given and we discussed this and agreed parameters.
I do not know if it is a chap’s thing, but it did feel a bit strange sharing everything about myself with a lady if we were not romantically involved and Ruth always made it very clear that was not an option. Eventually I came to understand what it meant to have a female friend and there did not have to be any physical interaction to have a great time in a relationship as friends. You could enjoy each others company just for the company itself and have chats as great friends and get a real emotional lift from being in that relationship and sharing everything.
I was reminded of the line in the film “When Harry Met Sally” that men and women could never be friends because sex gets in the way. I can confirm that from my point of view this is totally untrue and this realisation stood me in great stead over the coming months.
I also met Judith for lunch halfway through January, which was nice even if I did not feel much like talking. I think Liz came along and her and Judith chatted most of the time, which was fine by me as it was just nice being among friends and interacting with them.
On the 2nd February Ruth was in Reading and we met for a meal in the evening. I was still not driving and so I got the bus to Reading and was a bit early. I texted Ruth and she said to come up to her room whilst she finished getting ready. This was the first time I had been in the hotel room of a lady on her own and remember the feeling of happiness in being invited in and her being at ease in my company. This did the world of good for my confidence. I think we had a Chinese meal and ordered far too much food and had a lovely relaxed evening. When we finished and were walking back to Ruth’s hotel my bus was just leaving and there was an hour until the next one and so Ruth said I might as well wait in her hotel room. I sat in the chair whilst Ruth lied on the bed and we had a good chat about a range of things and I just felt happy being in her company and chatting. I left for my bus and Ruth gave me a big hug and that was a very nice feeling.
FEBRUARY
During February I gradually reduced my Diazepam to zero as the anti-depressants were clearly doing their job, although I kept a supply in case of an anxiety attack. Actually, I had seen the psychiatrist at the end of January and the anti-depressants were increased from 20mg to 40mg.
An anxiety attack happened at the end of the month as I became anxious that Ruth had lost respect for me and Ruth was the most important person in my life to help me get through each day. I had been thinking it would be nice to have my life back the way that it was and Ruth was the only obvious Diane replacement as she knew me better than anyone else and had been there for me during all the trials and tribulations.
I was still sending texts to Ruth every day and sharing what I was thinking and earlier in the week had gone too far in explaining a sexual fantasy and I was worried that Ruth would not want to keep in touch any more. As it happened, we agreed that it was totally inappropriate for me to do this and Ruth still wanted to be friends and so did I so we agreed that all future communications would purely be as friends. So that was a relief.
A couple of weeks before this I had met Ruth for lunch as she was down in Reading on business and I remember she was wearing a purple top with a silver clasp. It also came up in conversation that she was meeting a chap from work in the evening that was working on one of the same projects as Ruth.
I received a phone call in the evening from Ruth asking me about good eating-places in the Oracle shopping centre and so I gave some suggestions. It also occurred to me that Ruth was a long way from her hotel and did not know Reading that well and could be in danger. So then I started imagining scenarios that might happen. In no particular order: Ruth was walking back to her hotel and a youth with a knife stops her in the Market Place and cuts open her top and bra and then someone is coming and so he runs off; they are staying at the same hotel and the chap drugged Ruth’s drink and took an unconscious Ruth to his room and raped her; they are in Nandos and the chap drugged Ruth’s drink and carried her out of the restaurant saying she had too much to drink. He had two accomplices who helped him bundle her into the car and they raped, robbed and killed her leaving her body in a ditch on the A4 outside Reading cricket ground. The free paper on Friday morning said they were trying to identify the body of a woman who was wearing a purple top. There were others circling in my brain and in the morning I texted Ruth at work asking if she was ok and thankfully at about 6.30pm from the airport I received a call from Ruth so I knew everything was alright, but I had spent the whole day worrying about her.
This month I also met my mum for lunch and she caught the bus into Reading, as I had not seen her since mid-December.
MARCH
When I saw the psychiatrist at the end of February I thought I was doing quite well and expected an easy ride or even discharge back to the GP. However, although there was improvement, the psychiatrist detected negative interpretations and thought my capable persona being projected was superficial and he increased my anti-depressants to 60mg.
On the 7th March I attended the Starting Over Show in London and found out about it because I was on Solo’s Holidays mailing list and they publicised it and gave away free tickets. I did not know what to expect so went with an open mind. There were life coaches there and I explained I was not planning any key life decisions like relationships or moving home as the guidance I had received said that I should wait at least 12 months. The people I saw agreed that this was a sensible approach and there was nothing they could do for me at this point in time.
I then wandered down to the mood room where they were doing yoga taster sessions and gave them a go even though I had never tried yoga before. I guess a taster session is not long enough to start feeling any benefit, but I had a chat with the teachers and explained my situation. They said that I needed to heal mind and body and that yoga was the best way of doing this so I decided to investigate the availability of yoga sessions when I got home. I also met Ruth for lunch on the 10th March and had a lovely time as usual which gave me a real boost. I also got a big hug from Ruth and I always enjoyed Ruth’s hugs.
I was now feeling more comfortable getting out and about and got the train up to Waterloo on 16th March and took my time looking round the National Gallery.
As I was now driving I arranged to travel up to Scotland for the last week of March and had started thinking that I would like to live in Scotland to be near Ruth and the other friends. So I had my house valued and stayed at Stirling as I thought this would be a nice place to live. I met with a couple of estate agents and had a good look round but did not take it any further.
Whilst there, I met up with Francis one evening and we went for a meal and saw the film Shutter Island. Francis works at Prudential and we had shared many drunken evenings together at work functions and were often in the last group at the end of the evening. Francis also suffered with depression and we were both drinking cokes, which was the first time that had ever happened. This film was about a guy with psychiatric problems following the death of his wife and kids and finding it difficult to face up to reality, so probably was not the best choice but I was ok and had a good time. I also met up with Fiona for an evening meal and Fiona used to work at Prudential and I remember at one works do being taught ceilidh dancing by her. We had a good time reminiscing over the past.
Naturally, I met up with Ruth and had an evening meal together the day after I arrived, spent all day Sunday together and met for lunch on my last day. I had a great time and it was lovely seeing her in her home and interacting with her family and friends. It was after this visit that I realised what friendship really meant and how valuable it is and I stopped thinking about Ruth as a potential life partner.
APRIL
As I was back driving thanks to the improvement in my mental health I could get back to playing tennis on Monday and Wednesday mornings. I was also asked to captain the Men’s Doubles 3 team in the Berkshire League so this kept me pretty busy too.
The lunch dates also increased this month as I had bumped into Katie on the way to meeting Judith last time and arranged to meet. I worked with Katie on a project at Prudential 15 years ago and our paths had crossed several times since and we always got on really well. I had also met Caron on the way to meeting Judith and Caron worked in the same team as me at Prudential. Caron suggested tagging along next time I met Judith, but I preferred meeting people 1-1 so I suggested this and Caron agreed.
I guess word was getting round my old department and Sarah contacted me through Facebook to see how I was and we agreed to meet for lunch. Sarah also worked at Prudential on the same department as me and although we were not in the same team we always got on well together.
So, I met Katie, Judith, Sarah and Caron for lunch dates this month and they were all great fun. I got lots of hugs and a couple of kisses, which was also nice. It is weird that I worked with people 7-10 hours a day but did not get to really know them as I said hello in the morning, switched on the PC, grafted away and said goodnight. It had been great getting to know everyone so much better. Also, I bumped into Bev after lunch with Judith who also worked on the same department and we agreed to meet next month.
I signed up for yoga classes after the Starting Over Show and the lessons started this month on Friday mornings. I think most people knew each other quite well and were mostly older than me and I was the only chap. Still they were fun even if I did not get the hang of the techniques, particularly meditation.
I was also able to see a couple of Oxford United football matches this month as I was back driving again but avoided the seats Diane and I used to use in case it triggered too many memories. It naturally triggered some and it was not the same but still enjoyable. Diane and I had been season ticket holders for about 10 years.
Now that my mental health had improved sufficiently to be fit to drive this meant the psychiatrist could refer me for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, as I should be able to understand and apply the techniques involved. However, firstly I had to go through a telephone assessment and because I was currently being seen by a psychiatrist I did not qualify for the therapy. I phoned the Mental Health Team and lo and behold I was admitted onto the course that started next month.
At the end of this month I decided that I needed to do something more fulfilling than playing tennis all month, and contacted the Wokingham Volunteer Centre to see what was available. I had to attend an interview and the best option seemed to be the Woodley Volunteer Driving Scheme taking old people to medical appointments, helping them find out where to go, waiting for them and driving them home.
MAY
May was the beginning of the Berkshire League cricket season and I made myself available for Woodley. I had not played last season because I needed to care for Diane, so I was fairly rusty. So, that was every Saturday taken care either playing or umpiring cricket or playing tennis league matches.
I continued playing tennis in the mornings until the driving assignments started arriving as I needed to be at home in the mornings to take calls. I therefore switched to the evening tennis club sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Yoga continued as well every Friday although this did restrict my availability for driving assignments, but I still managed to do four trips this month.
It was another good month for meeting ladies from work for lunch dates and I met Judith, Katie, Sarah, Bev and Caron. All of these went really and were great at building my confidence in being able to chat and make conversation. Also, I was becoming a hugger and was getting very used to hugging people, which was a nice feeling. I was never like this before and was more of a shake hands at a distance sort of person unless it was someone I knew well like Ruth or Francis.
Another highlight this month was that Oxford United were in the play-off final for the Football Conference at Wembley and I went and booked a hotel room next to the ground to avoid all the problems of getting out of Wembley after a big event. I had a great day and Oxford won with style and it was good for me to find enjoyment and exhilaration at a sporting event despite being on anti-depressants.
30th May was my birthday and coincidentally was the anniversary of when I met Diane and we had our first kiss, so I was dreading this day in case it brought back painful memories. I had texted Ruth a couple of weeks earlier about my concerns and she had replied not to worry we will do something on that day to help you get through.
It transpired that Ruth forgot and was meeting her family on that day but agreed to meet me on the 1st June for an evening meal, as it was also her birthday on 3rd June and we could celebrate both events. As it turned out I was ok on the day and had a lovely evening with Ruth on the 1st June.
I thought that it was real progress that the anniversary did not cause me to have any negative thoughts and that gave me lots of confidence in thinking I would be able to cope with future key dates without it causing anxiety and triggering depression.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
On May 12th the first of seven therapy sessions started and I was not sure what to expect. The psychiatrist said it was a key set of tools in dealing with depression and anxiety. Also, my GP sang the praises of it equally. So the pressure was on for me to understand and implement these key tools into my everyday life if I was to recover from depression.
The first session started with about 12 people sitting in a room in a horseshoe seating arrangement and 2 people sat at the front who were the tutors. They were female and looked fresh out of university. It was clearly stated up front that this was not a therapy session looking at individual problems but a teaching session that would explain techniques to deal certain scenarios. A different subject would be taken each week and we were free to ask questions in order to clarify our understanding.
I noticed that the majority of people were women and nobody looked too bad or desperate for help.
During the next seven weeks we covered loads of scenarios but it basically boiled down to identifying the thoughts that bother you and changing the way you view them. For example, everyone in an office is told they will be made redundant and some people will be overjoyed with the payout and opportunity to do something they enjoy. Whereas others will get concerned about how to pay the bills and look after their family and this would spark anxiety, negative thoughts, negative emotions/behaviours and physical changes leading to depression. It is the same information and we needed to learn how to change the way our thought processes worked and that in turn would alleviate the feelings of anxiety and depression.
My initial reaction to this was that there was no way of changing my reaction to the image of Diane hanging from the loft ladder as that was a horrifying actual image that would not change, but I decided to stick with it.
Next we looked at unhelpful ways of thinking and if our thought following a situation was negative and made us feel depressed it could be down to unhelpful ways of thinking and by identifying this fact we could change a negative thought to a positive thought and not feel depressed.
We were asked to record during the week any situations causing negative thoughts, the emotion, behaviour and thought errors. I found I was guilty of jumping to conclusions, which are not supported by facts, but mostly the thoughts were negative for a good reason.
Another technique was to test the negative thought by using facts to change the thought. I have used this as once I was due to meet one of the ladies from work for lunch and got anxious that we would not have anything to talk about and she would find me boring. I tested this with the fact that this had not happened in any previous meetings and the anxiety stopped.
We also covered anxiety and ways to deal with it. The theory was that you should expose yourself to an anxiety as nobody had ever died from anxiety and the next time you were in the same situation the anxiety would not be as bad. They also talked about avoidance measures and how these made an anxiety worse when it happened again. Examples were alcohol and taking a friend with you if you were anxious about something. I had started exposing myself to situations I felt anxious about without resorting to my diazepam stock and been ok so far.
Next they looked at the importance of activities and forcing yourself to do things as a way of dealing with the low mood associated with anxiety and depression. We had to complete a schedule for a week and I was pretty good on this one with my tennis, cricket, volunteer driving and the like. But I found it true that if I did not have anything planned it was easy to stay in bed and not show interest in the day, which lowered my mood. There was also some work on thought blocks to becoming more active, but I did not need to do anything to avoid these as I was fairly active anyway.
We also covered assertiveness and self-esteem and I openly admitted to not being as assertive as I should be but I was happy with the way I was. If I returned to a pressurised job this could be a problem but as I had no immediate intention to do this I decided not to try and implement and changes.
I have had low-esteem and managed to deal with it by being closed off and not exposing my frailties to others. In the past I had projected this calm and collected persona who would do anything for anyone and work long hours to achieve this. I could see myself in the model of low self-esteem but since Diane died that had changed. I was now open with friends and strangers and it was a case of what you see is what you get. I had noticed this personality change and friends had also commented on it.
I felt my self-esteem was growing and my friendship with Ruth and lunches with people from work had all helped to build up my self-esteem and confidence and I was happy with the new me without making any changes.
It was as if my personality before I met Diane was changing to enable me to cope with life without her and I guess that was how the brain decided to adapt and the CBT helped to trigger these changes.
JUNE
This month I collected virtually all of Diane’s belongings together and took them to her sister in Leicester. It had been something I was putting off but managed to collect them together without causing myself too much anxiety, so I was pleased about that.
Otherwise I followed the same patter as last month by playing cricket and tennis and doing 9 volunteer drives.
I also continued with the yoga and had lunch dates with Katie, Ruth, Jane, Judith, Bev and Sarah and had a really good month. I was also spoiled this month because I met Ruth twice for lunch dates and meeting Ruth was always special. I don’t think I mentioned Jane before and we met when I was waiting outside Prudential for one of my lunch dates and agreed to meet up. Jane worked at Prudential and I had worked with Jane before and it was especially useful, as she knew a bit about dating sites if I was thinking of going that route.
Also, I was chatting to one of the receptionist at the Woodley Volunteer Driving Scheme office and it turned out that the husband of someone I worked with at Prudential in the 1970s was related to this person and I vaguely knew the chap.
Apparently, he got lonely so I agreed to phone Brian, an 86 year-old gentlemen, and visited him at his flat for a few hours reminiscing about the old days at Prudential. Although, I don’t think he remembered me we had lots of friends in common and he was really pleased I paid him a visit so that gave me a good feeling inside. We agreed to meet up once a month.
JULY
My good progress continued this month and I organised lunch dates with Katie, Judith, Jane and Sarah. I also continued with the volunteer driving, cricket and tennis.
The highlight of this month was a visit to Scotland for a week and I was able to see Ruth quite a lot. On Saturday I spent the day with Ruth, her son, her niece and son’s friend and played 2-a-side football on an indoor 5-a-side pitch that was lots of fun and I played with the niece against the two boys whilst Ruth watched. After that we had something to eat and saw Toy Story 3D.
I was staying at Edinburgh and the day before I had been to the Dynamic Earth attraction and when looking through the souvenirs I saw a heart-shaped paperweight with a picture of the world on it saying you are my world. I decided to buy it for Ruth after much deliberation of should I, shan’t I, is it right to buy presents for a married woman. In the end I went with my 1st instinct and Ruth liked the present. In the past I would not have had the self-confidence to do this.
I had been feeling pretty good over this last month and decided to book a holiday with Solo’s to Turkey for a week and left at the end of July. I met some really nice people and the holiday was a real boost to my confidence in being able to have good times with people I had only just met.
In fact, on the beach there were a couple of ladies in their mid-20s and I fancied getting to talk to them and I got the opportunity when they started taking pictures of each other in the sea and I asked if they would like their photos taken together. I ended up chatting for about an hour and one of them asked my Solo’s friend to take a picture of us together. I felt really good after this trip and confident that I did not need to book a holiday with a singles firm to have a good time. When I got back I booked a 2-week Caribbean cruise at Christmas.
STARTING OVER SHOW IN NOVEMBER
My confidence continued to grow during the next few months and I was finding the volunteer driving was not taking up enough of my time so I volunteered at the Head Offices of the charities Oxfam and DebRA working 9-5 three days a week on Mondays – Wednesdays. This left Thursdays for socialising, Friday for yoga and the evenings free for tennis. The driving to Oxford proved too tiring so I ended up working 3 days a week for DebRA, that was only a 20-minute drive away.
I saw the Starting Over Show advertised on Facebook and thought I would go along to see what they could offer me. It turned out that I spent most of the evening chatting to Sam Wilson who was working on the reception desk and gave her an abridged version of the last 2 years.
Sam thought my story would be an inspiration to others and that I should put it into writing, which, on reflection I thought was a good idea.
So, here is my story and I hope it helps you if you are in a bad place or that you just find it interesting if you are not.
Tony Bucknall
