Gina Hardy's starting over story
No-one would deny the blissful sense of belonging as a newly wed and the deepest bond imaginable with your new spouse. That of certified love and a long and happy life path ahead strewn with excited anticipation of children, country houses and walking the dogs arm in arm.
A picture I think most of us at some point hope will happen. But my wedding DVD suddenly ground to a halt, a large scratch making it unable to be viewed beyond the honeymoon. This large scratch for me was an amazing wedding at the church I was christened in, followed by a beautiful reception at a large stately home in the surrey countryside, a stunning honeymoon in the Indian Ocean followed by my husband walking out 6 weeks later.
The impact was indescribable. I tore apart in body mind and spirit and was unable to gather the energy to eat a chocolate biscuit let alone function from day to day. So deep had been my attachment to my husband that him leaving meant I had nothing of me to hold onto. He was my life and my soul mate. Someone who from the other side of a crowded room would know what I was thinking. My first realisation....it's crucial to find inner love and peace first and foremost. The nature of life and people is one of constant change and therefore deep attachment is dangerous ground when looking to the other to "make you happy". Easier said than done though !
After weeks of pleading with him to come home, visiting marriage guidance to try and re-connect but descending deeper into despair, I was informed by a remote friend that he was in fact in love with someone else and had been connecting with her for some months before, during and after we married. Ouch !....deeper wounding ensued and a feeling of utter worthlessness, like I was just not enough for him. Why was on my lips for a long time. But it was not my "why" but his, I learnt later.
Now I could berate him at length and act the victim because on the face of it he was a "bounder" and believe me I went there big time. But I believe we are all wounded at some level and I know he was in pain in his way.
I lived every emotion possible over the coming months, feeling the destruction on every level. This was later to be my saving grace. As Nicole Kidman said once when interviewed by Oprah "I live close to my feelings, I want to die saying I have lived and felt every pain and pleasure". Well that’s me, always known to be an emotional character but a blessing and something I honour in myself now.
The support of my friends and family was a true gift and bonded me even closer to them. One great thing out of the nightmare I was living. I cried, beat pillows and cried a whole lot more with them. Poor me ! Yes that felt good... for a while it was ok to be poor me ! My weight had plummeted to just under 7 stone and no matter how I tried, eating was cheating. I just couldn't and that made me angry and boy I let it out !
Slowly slowly the pain went from excruciating to hideous to bad and then better. Time is the greatest healer my mum has always said and she is right, but my path was long until I grew to understand that I am responsible for my life and how it is directed. Of course I knew things were wrong before we married, so many obvious signs but he still wanted to marry me and to be honest the thought of being without him was worse than the perceived hiccups.
I spent allot of time healing through self development from that experience. It's now been 16 years and only last month having not seen my ex since the day he left, he appeared on my holiday, by total co-incidence, in Greece and was staying in the same hotel. He has children with the lady he left me for, but was alone and so I guess his path has been troubled too. I am pleased to say I felt only pity for him but not a jot of past emotion was left any where in my being. Such a revelation and a testament to my wonderful journey since we split. Closure indeed.
So what did I learn and how did I start over ?
1) Deep attachment to your partner and making them responsible for your happiness leads ultimately to heartache. You must work on you and find fulfilment within first before the next relationship arrives.
2) Feel every bit of the surfacing emotion. It is better out than in but be being careful of course not to injure others with your pain. Use pillows and duvets ! Try not to put sticking plasters over your feelings and be "stiff upper lip". Unresolved experiences only serve to bite us later on in life.
3) Let others help you - Their support will nourish and help ease the suffering and help you move forward.
4) Try to ease yourself into a routine each day to keep your mind away from continuously focusing on the experience. It helps to get out, breathe deeply and walk. I walked for hours and hours and through actually doing the physical forward motion, it helped me move forward in life.
5) Try to eat regularly - Sounds obvious but little and often is the key. Lack of nourishment can make your emotions worse.
6) Meditation - this was dynamic for me. I listened to many soothing CDs and as well as helping me express more emotion, calmed my troubled mind.
7) De-clutter your daily "must dos" - for a while keep life as simple as possible. You can add far too much stress by thinking you need to keep doing everything. Ask neighbours and friends/family to help. I am sure they would be only too willing.
8) Time - Don't under estimate that bad experiences need time to process. Lots of it, depending on the severity of your situation.
9) Educate yourself - this was my light bulb moment only 2 years ago. Only when you REALLY understand why you do the things you do in relationships and what you give out, will you really know why you attract certain types of people. The healthier you become about you, the healthier your relationships.
10) Future relationships - be discerning when choosing another partner. This is a huge subject but look before you leap. If I had really spent time looking at all elements of my ex and with the clear view I have now I doubt very much I would have got involved. Look at how they behave towards friends/family. Their attitudes to money, children etc. Their past. It is your choice. Honour yourself and look with clear vision.
Gina Hardy is an Exhibitor at the Starting Over Show 2010 in Brighton
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